Definition: Extreme and irrational fear of a particular object, class of objects, or situation. Anxiety is its chief symptom. Phobias are generally believed to result when fear produced by an original threatening situation (such as a near-drowning in childhood) is transferred to other similar situations (such as encounters with bodies of water), the original fear often being repressed or forgotten.
Okay, so I haven't blogged in a couple of months and then I come out with a big one, lol. Bear with me.
I have been realizing more and more lately, that I DO have what people refer to as "irrational fear". Now, I do NOT believe it is to the extreme of what the above definition implies, but I do know that having these kind of "fears" is something that I am aware of and am working on releasing to God.
I recently read a book entitled, "Motherless Mothers". I had SUCH a connection to this book because, as the title implies, it is a book written about and for Motherless Mothers. One of the key things in the book states that because of suffering an "unnatural loss" (a loss that is not an expected one, but due to sickness/accident, someone dies) that persons way of thinking is forever changed. Gone are the days of "just having a headache". Right away, thoughts turn to "am I okay? Do I have a tumor? What will happen to my kids?" Okay, that's an extreme example, but really, because of losing my mom at such a young age, I feel I really lost the "naiveity" of life. I KNOW that little things like "a headache", or a "lump" have changed my life forever and resulted in a loss so strong that has impacted me forever.
I hate the fact that I have "lost" part of that naiveity. I feel like I lost the ability to brush things aside as not important, or as "nothing" because I experienced such a devestating loss that wasn't just a "nothing."
Here are a few examples of my "irrational" thinking:
A few months back, I noticed a little lump in Sophie's neck. Instantly I just felt this fear and this apprehension that it was something like "cancer". I have known too many young children recently, unfortunately who are battling cancer, so that was my first fear. It ended up just being a swollen gland.
I also felt a "lump" in my back, and right away my heart just started aching and I thought, "Lord, my kids can't lose me as I lost my mom." It turned out to be a sebaceous cyst, a harmless cyst.
Tanner just had a fever the other day. It was 103 at night, in the morning 100, and then disappeared. Instead of me just thinking, "Oh, he has a bug, or Oh, he's teething", right away my thoughts turned to "Oh, no, his kidney reflux has caused a kidney infection and his one good kidney is being damaged, and then he'll need dialysis and....". I had to stop myself here and just pray because immediately my mind went to the "worst case scenario".
This is something that I am really really working so hard at giving to God. I do not want to live in constant fear that myself or someone I love is going to get sick and die. That feeling of fear can be all encompassing and I don't want to be trapped by that. I want to be able to just stand on God's word and BELIEVE that He is in control of every situation and no matter what happens, He is still real, He is still God, He is still there. Because, despite how my life and my way of thinking has been forever altered by losing my mom, God HAS been there. He has never left me. I KNOW He is in control. I don't want to spend all my days waiting for the "What ifs" to happen, but I want to be able to turn those fears over to God. That even despite that this is NORMAL thinking for people who have experienced these horrible losses, I don't want to use that as an excuse to walk out every moment in my life with fear.
5 comments:
Oh, Lori, I can only imagine how your loss has colored your life. I read a quote not too long ago and I can't remember it exactly but it had to do with Faith being the antithesis of Fear. As we work, really work, on developing our faith, our fear will lessen. {{HUGS}}.
Oh, and don't worry about checking those medical things - better safe than sorry! And odds are you'll get an all clear instead of a cancer diagnosis. :)
Hang in there! Thanks for posting this - it's a good reminder to me to really try and make faith an active part of my life.
Wow, this is the fourth blog post I've read over the weekend with people talking about trusting the Lord. I love clinging to his goodness :)
(p.s. I wrote a post about that song "Holding On". Such a good song for situations like these. http://thedeepthings.wordpress.com/2011/01/21/an-abandoned-generation/)
Great post Lori! I can't imagine what you have gone through losing your mom at an early age. And in our natural mind, your resulting fears are completely understandable and even justifiable. BUT how awesome to know that we serve a God who is bigger than those justifiable fears! We don't have to live controlled by them because He is our Rock and His promises never change. We have been talking about faith in our ladies Bible study at church - so this post fit in so well with what God has been saying to me. ((HUGS))
Lori;
I can only begin to imagine. I have irrational fears all of the time; and I have no good reason for them (as you do). I'm a hypochondriac when it comes to my children. I hate to be the parent that ignores a 'big thing" and yet I hate to be the parent that turns little things into paranoia. But its part of life. We are products of our environment. Your feelings are completely understandable; and I'm glad your working through them. But within reason; as a parent safe is always better then sorry even when there is some irrational in it. Besides, your pretty level headed as far as irrational people go :-) LOL I love you!
Oh Lori, this just makes my heart break! Although my mom isn't very involved in my life as an adult, a situation I know you're aware of, I did get to have her fully present throughout my growing up years. I can't imagine losing her at a young age as you lost yours, and the imact that has to have on you as a mother now.
Your post also reminded me of myself in a similar but different way. I find myself living in constant irrational fear of losing loved ones due to accidental death. I say a prayer EVERY time Kurt drives to Eugene for a game, rides his bike to work, heads out hiking or snowshoeing, etc. And if he takes Emma with him somewhere - even just somewhere around town? I really have to fight myself on that one. I'm pretty neurotic about my brother Jamie as well. Its absolutely exhausting trying to fight off the "what ifs" that come with that kind of catastrophic thinking, and I'm a constant work in progress when it comes to defeating that kind of thinking.
Point is, you're not alone. Like you said it just really stinks to have that blissful ignorance of how life works we once had stripped away in such a tragic manners.
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