Definition: Extreme and irrational fear of a particular object, class of objects, or situation. Anxiety is its chief symptom. Phobias are generally believed to result when fear produced by an original threatening situation (such as a near-drowning in childhood) is transferred to other similar situations (such as encounters with bodies of water), the original fear often being repressed or forgotten.
Okay, so I haven't blogged in a couple of months and then I come out with a big one, lol. Bear with me.
I have been realizing more and more lately, that I DO have what people refer to as "irrational fear". Now, I do NOT believe it is to the extreme of what the above definition implies, but I do know that having these kind of "fears" is something that I am aware of and am working on releasing to God.
I recently read a book entitled, "Motherless Mothers". I had SUCH a connection to this book because, as the title implies, it is a book written about and for Motherless Mothers. One of the key things in the book states that because of suffering an "unnatural loss" (a loss that is not an expected one, but due to sickness/accident, someone dies) that persons way of thinking is forever changed. Gone are the days of "just having a headache". Right away, thoughts turn to "am I okay? Do I have a tumor? What will happen to my kids?" Okay, that's an extreme example, but really, because of losing my mom at such a young age, I feel I really lost the "naiveity" of life. I KNOW that little things like "a headache", or a "lump" have changed my life forever and resulted in a loss so strong that has impacted me forever.
I hate the fact that I have "lost" part of that naiveity. I feel like I lost the ability to brush things aside as not important, or as "nothing" because I experienced such a devestating loss that wasn't just a "nothing."
Here are a few examples of my "irrational" thinking:
A few months back, I noticed a little lump in Sophie's neck. Instantly I just felt this fear and this apprehension that it was something like "cancer". I have known too many young children recently, unfortunately who are battling cancer, so that was my first fear. It ended up just being a swollen gland.
I also felt a "lump" in my back, and right away my heart just started aching and I thought, "Lord, my kids can't lose me as I lost my mom." It turned out to be a sebaceous cyst, a harmless cyst.
Tanner just had a fever the other day. It was 103 at night, in the morning 100, and then disappeared. Instead of me just thinking, "Oh, he has a bug, or Oh, he's teething", right away my thoughts turned to "Oh, no, his kidney reflux has caused a kidney infection and his one good kidney is being damaged, and then he'll need dialysis and....". I had to stop myself here and just pray because immediately my mind went to the "worst case scenario".
This is something that I am really really working so hard at giving to God. I do not want to live in constant fear that myself or someone I love is going to get sick and die. That feeling of fear can be all encompassing and I don't want to be trapped by that. I want to be able to just stand on God's word and BELIEVE that He is in control of every situation and no matter what happens, He is still real, He is still God, He is still there. Because, despite how my life and my way of thinking has been forever altered by losing my mom, God HAS been there. He has never left me. I KNOW He is in control. I don't want to spend all my days waiting for the "What ifs" to happen, but I want to be able to turn those fears over to God. That even despite that this is NORMAL thinking for people who have experienced these horrible losses, I don't want to use that as an excuse to walk out every moment in my life with fear.