Something very scary happened tonight and I am feeling really shaken up over it. Writing (or typing) things out always help me process through my emotions and feelings so here I am...
Tonight we were at the lake for a bbq and Jeremy was cooking burgers for us while the kids were eating hot dogs. I still cut up Tanner's hot dogs into bites because he just inhales his food and doesn't chew things up very well. I am busy talking when I feel Tanner's legs kicking the picnic bench and I look over at him and he is choking on his food. I yell for Jeremy, pick Tanner up and hit him on his back pretty hard. Jeremy came running over and did the whole mouth sweep thing and Tanner is just writhing, still not breathing. This went on for awhile until finally after a hard hit on the back, a piece of food came flying out of his mouth. I have never felt as much fear as I felt right then.
Seeing my son struggle to breathe, and in fact not be able to breathe, I felt so helpless as a parent. I just kept saying "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus" and the fear was just so strong. I just held him afterwards as he whimpered and rested his head on my shoulder and just thanked God so much for saving my Tanner.
Being a parent is such a scary thing. I have NEVER felt this scared though. There have been other times as a parent where I have felt fear. Like when Sophie had croup as a baby and struggled with her breathing then. Or when Sophie fell into a pool last summer. But tonight, by far was the scariest moment.
It just made me realize, once again, the reality of the preciousness of life. One moment, Tanner and I are giggling and playing hide and seek behind the trees, and the next minute he is choking and it is not coming out and the feelings of desperation just were consuming me. I am so thankful to the Lord for watching over my precious precious little guy. I know I have to surrender my children to the Lord and trust in His hand to protect them and watch over them all the time...I am so glad He is capable and stronger than me in my own strength.
I love you Tanner Michael...
