Irrational fear...

Definition: Extreme and irrational fear of a particular object, class of objects, or situation. Anxiety is its chief symptom. Phobias are generally believed to result when fear produced by an original threatening situation (such as a near-drowning in childhood) is transferred to other similar situations (such as encounters with bodies of water), the original fear often being repressed or forgotten.

Okay, so I haven't blogged in a couple of months and then I come out with a big one, lol. Bear with me.

I have been realizing more and more lately, that I DO have what people refer to as "irrational fear". Now, I do NOT believe it is to the extreme of what the above definition implies, but I do know that having these kind of "fears" is something that I am aware of and am working on releasing to God.

I recently read a book entitled, "Motherless Mothers". I had SUCH a connection to this book because, as the title implies, it is a book written about and for Motherless Mothers. One of the key things in the book states that because of suffering an "unnatural loss" (a loss that is not an expected one, but due to sickness/accident, someone dies) that persons way of thinking is forever changed. Gone are the days of "just having a headache". Right away, thoughts turn to "am I okay? Do I have a tumor? What will happen to my kids?" Okay, that's an extreme example, but really, because of losing my mom at such a young age, I feel I really lost the "naiveity" of life. I KNOW that little things like "a headache", or a "lump" have changed my life forever and resulted in a loss so strong that has impacted me forever.

I hate the fact that I have "lost" part of that naiveity. I feel like I lost the ability to brush things aside as not important, or as "nothing" because I experienced such a devestating loss that wasn't just a "nothing."

Here are a few examples of my "irrational" thinking:

A few months back, I noticed a little lump in Sophie's neck. Instantly I just felt this fear and this apprehension that it was something like "cancer". I have known too many young children recently, unfortunately who are battling cancer, so that was my first fear. It ended up just being a swollen gland.

I also felt a "lump" in my back, and right away my heart just started aching and I thought, "Lord, my kids can't lose me as I lost my mom." It turned out to be a sebaceous cyst, a harmless cyst.

Tanner just had a fever the other day. It was 103 at night, in the morning 100, and then disappeared. Instead of me just thinking, "Oh, he has a bug, or Oh, he's teething", right away my thoughts turned to "Oh, no, his kidney reflux has caused a kidney infection and his one good kidney is being damaged, and then he'll need dialysis and....". I had to stop myself here and just pray because immediately my mind went to the "worst case scenario".

This is something that I am really really working so hard at giving to God. I do not want to live in constant fear that myself or someone I love is going to get sick and die. That feeling of fear can be all encompassing and I don't want to be trapped by that. I want to be able to just stand on God's word and BELIEVE that He is in control of every situation and no matter what happens, He is still real, He is still God, He is still there. Because, despite how my life and my way of thinking has been forever altered by losing my mom, God HAS been there. He has never left me. I KNOW He is in control. I don't want to spend all my days waiting for the "What ifs" to happen, but I want to be able to turn those fears over to God. That even despite that this is NORMAL thinking for people who have experienced these horrible losses, I don't want to use that as an excuse to walk out every moment in my life with fear.

Procedure

Day # 12: I am thankful for my precious miracle boy, Tanner. He has brought so much joy and laughter and energy to our home! Please pray for him tomorrow morning as he is having a not so fun sedated procedure to check his kidney. Since he only has one kidney, he needs it to be HEALTHY, so please pray that the kidney reflux he had at birth is GONE!


Tanner was SUCH a little trooper this morning at his VCUG (to check for his kidney reflux). A not fun procedure where he had a catheter put in, then they inflate his bladder a few times with this contrasting liquid, so they could see if any urine was refluxing back from the bladder to the kidney. At 1 month old when he had this procedure done before, it showed that he had Level 2 Kidney Reflux. Level 1 is the lowest, 4 is the highest. The dr, at that time, said that most people with level 2 kidney reflux have it go away on it's own, hopefully within a few years. In rare cases, people with Level 2 reflux need to have surgery to fix it. Sometimes medication is given to keep off kidney infections. Since Tanner only has 1 kidney, it is a higher concern to keep that 1 kidney healthy.

This morning, I was more worried about the fact that he couldn't eat/drink anything (had to fast since last night). He had moderate sedation, so he was awake but very "high", lol. Giggly, loopy, drunk are good words to describe him. Did great through the whole procedure, and just had a hard time in the car on the way home...so tired and hungry, but wouldn't eat.

So we will know more when we meet with the urologist next Friday, but the dr today said there is STILL reflux. Probably about the same level. We were believing that the reflux was gone, so guess we just need to up our prayers for that.

It was hard for me to see him go through that. I think, most of the time, I sometimes "forget" about his kidney stuff. Going through my pregnancy with him was a scary time as dr's were trying to figure out what he had and given us very scary prognosis's. Then with him being so healthy and energetic and not having any issues because of his kidneys, I forget. Today was a huge reminder of the health implications, but also, an AMAZING reminder of Tanner's testimony and the fact that in utero, his ultrasounds showed things a lot worse than they are. I need to keep reminding myself of that whenever I start feeling that fear or discouragement about this. God's hand is on Tanner and I KNOW He will take care of my precious little boy.

Connections

Day #3: I am thankful for the awesome bible study I went to this morning! The last 7 weeks of the Beth Moore bible study has been amazing and I am sad it's over!

I have been going to my church for 12 years now. You'd think I'd have taken advantage of all the bible studies that are offered at my church in that time, right? Never have. I've given excuses...I work, and I'm tired at night. Or, I work, so I can't go to the morning studies b/c of that fact. Well, this summer, in the midst of realizing that a) I have lived here for 12 years and do not have a lot of close friends here at all, and b) I need to get off my sorry butt and put more effort and time into others lives and even though I treasure my days off with my kids, I know that I do crave close girl friendships. This summer I started getting together with some amazing moms from my church and have so enjoyed building those relationships. So now, even though I'm working, I am finding more of a connection so that means that even if I'm tired, I WILL go do these things b/c not only does it build my spiritual self, it is building my emotional self too, as I am finally making those dear, dear friends who I connect with.

Precious Cuddles

Day 2: I am SO thankful that this tough work day is done and I get to go home and cuddle my precious kiddos!


Today was a tough one. No tougher than other ones I've had recently, and probably not the worst. But it was a very mentally draining day. I got really, really frustrated today with a specific situation and the complete lack of support I got for it. I really don't feel that constant negative and disrespectful behavior should be rewarded, but that is what I am told by people who are supposed to be my support. I almost started banging my head against the wall after a conversation I had with my "support".

So after dealing with those frustrations, my heart was filled with so much joy when I got to pick up my kids. When I got to Tanner's baby-sitters and he saw me, the squeal of joy and running to hug me wiped away some of those frustrations that had consumed my day. Then seeing Sophie run towards me and jump into my arms at preschool put that joy back into my heart. I love my kids so much. Their cuddles can fix so many things.

Day #1 of Thankfulness!

In a season of craziness and a lot of discouragement, I am going to take this month to focus my thoughts truly upward and consider the many, many blessings that are in my life, that too often get overshadowed by the "tough stuff". Everyday I am going to post an "I am thankful for" statement on here give a little note about it. So here it goes!

#1 I am thankful for....the wonderful roast dinner that my awesome hubby prepared for us today!

It was so awesome today to come from a crazy day at work to a house that smelled so wonderful! Jeremy had prepared this wonderful roast dinner and being that Mondays he gets home from work at 1, he often makes dinner those nights. I am so glad that Jeremy is the kind of guy who is good in the kitchen and very willing to try anything! Today, knowing that I didn't have to worry about, "What will I make tonight?", was such a blessing. I love my husband!

Such a sweet, sensitive soul

There are many things that Sophie says/does that just blow me away sometimes. Whether it's sounding out words and actually learning how to read on her own, or whether it's learning to tie her shoe on her own and so excited to show me. But what blesses my heart the most, is to see Sophie's innocent and trusting heart.

Sophie has always been sensitive to "spiritual things" and very understanding in a simplistic way of Jesus and his love for us. She asked Jesus into her heart last year and I KNOW that it was so real to her. She has an absolute faith and trust in Jesus and to see that really blesses me as a parent.

Today, we had on a kids worship DVD that she loves, where there are kids singing her favorite worship songs. She loves watching it and occasionally joining in. Today, I see her standing there singing to the song, "Here I am to Worship", and she is wiping her eyes and crying. She said, "Mommy, I am crying happy tears. I just love God so much". That was enough to send this Mommy to tears too. But then she gasps and looks at me with huge eyes and says, "Mommy, Jesus just touched my heart! He is making me all better! (She has had this lingering cough/congestion)". She was so excited and ran up to me and just wanted to hug me.

I am AMAZED at her "softness". I love seeing her innocent heart. I know she will see and experience many heart aches in her life, many of which will challenge her faith and her trust. But my prayer as her mom is that this softness that she has now in her spirit and this trust she has in Jesus will grow and grow.

She blesses me...

Oh, I wish I had creative abilities...

So I have been seriously thinking doing something "different" than my current job. For those of you who know me, the last few years have been very trying with my job. I am fortunate to only work part-time, and yet at the same time, what happens in those few days leave me so mentally exhausted. I do have my Reading endorsement and am seriously considering leaving the "classroom" for a bit and possibly being a Reading Specialist. We shall see. However...

I have some SUPER creative/talented people around me. I have friends who are photographers, so they don't have the 9-5 jobs, but they have jobs where they can use those creative abilities. I have another good friend who has started an online baby/kids boutique and makes such cute accessories for kids and actually makes money doing it. Do I have those abilities? Ummmm, I think not.

So what can I do?? I am not a "salesperson", so doing things that requires "recruiting people" for a service/party is not my thing. I know people can make money with Mary Kay/Pampered Chef/Candle/Jewelry parties but once again, the non salesperson part of me "feels bad" for asking people to come to these things.

Sigh, any ideas? Different things that I can do "from home" that would help bring in a few dollars?