My big girl

My precious little girl Sophie, went to preschool for the first time today! Our church has a summer preschool program so Jeremy and I decided to send her 1 day a week for the rest of the summer. Good for her to get out and interact with other kids, as well as get used to being there, as she'll be going there in the fall a couple days a week.

I couldn't help but feel a little "weepy" today over Sophie. She woke up super early "so excited Mom!" for going to preschool. Sophie just wants to be a "big girl" soooo badly.

Seeing Sophie at preschool (yes, I stayed for a bit...not too long, but I needed to, for my sanity, watch my precious little girl there). She found her name on the little carpet square, promptly sat down criss-cross applesauce and her hands in her lap (she has been talking about going to school FOREVER, this is a dream for her, she plays it all the time).

I know I need to "let go" and let her grow to be the independent little girl she is, who has such a love for life, learning and others. It's hard though, for me, to watch this precious little jewel, who fills my heart with so much love and joy, grow up and not "need me" as much anymore. This little one who made me a mom. This little one who cried and screamed for most of her first 3 months, but blossomed into a joyful little soul. In school. Without me.

Even as I write this, I have a little tear coursing down my cheek. I am so proud of the little sweetie Sophie has become, and love seeing her grow and learn and become who she is. I just pray, that even with this new season for her, that she will still come to me for the cuddles and hugs that I am not ready to give up yet.

Sophie today, ready to go to preschool





Learning


Eating lunch like a big girl


And just because I'm feeling SO sentimental...here is little Sophie...this feels like JUST yesterday...

Just trucking along...

Where is time going?? Too fast! There are days that feel like they are DRAGGING by (the days where both kids are fighting sleep) but really, I am just amazed at how fast everything is going by.

Tanner is getting soooo big. DEFINITELY losing that newborn look which makes me feel a bit sad. BUT, oh my gosh, he is my "smiley guy". He is smiling ALL THE TIME (unless he is in his crib :) He will smile as you are rocking him to sleep...he does this as he is making eye contact with me, love it. He's started smiling at me during nursing, which makes for messy nursing sessions, but I LOVE it.

We are having BIG issues in the sleep department...he sleeps GREAT at night, no problem there, however, daytime sleep, ugh, another story!! And yes, once again, I have a child who does not like to sleep in: their swing, bouncy chair, or carseat. If we go on long trips in the car, he is out like a light, but none of this sleep in the city stuff. Even in my arms, he does not usually sleep. So we put him in his crib and stay with him forever till he falls asleep, sometimes pushing the binky back in 100 times, other times putting our hand on his back, or shhh-ing him. Sigh, even fussing at times. It's hard b/c he will NOT sleep when we go out places, so, because of that, I often feel "stuck" at home, b/c I know I will be dealing with a severely overtired baby who doesn't want to sleep.

Right now, we are swaddling him for naps, which he doesn't like that much, however, without a swaddle for naps he doesn't settle well. I will gladly take ANY tips you have to offer :) :) Or, tips for getting him to LIKE his dang swing and bouncy chair enough to sleep in them occasionally, lol.

Sophie is growing up soooo quickly. I look at her and can't believe how grown-up she is. She is so articulate with her words and I am amazed at her understanding of things. She has such a sweet and sensitive spirit. It is getting hard to read books/watch movies with her b/c she asks 5 million questions throughout each, but as a teacher, I know I should encourage this. She wants to know everything. For those of you teachers out there, I almost want to do a Letter Identification test with her :) She can identify probably close to 95% of all upper case and lower case letters. She can spell out whole words, she is starting to write her name totally on her own (we have a funny looking S, an O, P, and an i right now).

I feel bad b/c over the past 7 weeks of adjusting to having a newborn, Sophie has been sorely neglected, which I know HAPPENS, but it's very hard for me, as I really miss her, and we DID have 3 years of just the 2 of us. Starting on Monday, we will be sending to her at least 1 morning a week of summer preschool at the preschool at our church, where she'll be going in the fall. I KNOW it will be good for her to get out, and interact and learn, but it makes Mommy so sad, b/c once again, it's a reminder of just how fast she is growing up.

I love my kids, I love my family, I am just one tired mama these days, but...just trucking along...

1 month old...

Dear Tanner,

I can't believe you are 1 month old today! This month has just flown by, and along with that, you are growing and changing so much. You are such a blessing to our family, little buddy. I love the way that you calm as soon as you hear Sophie and turn to find her. I love how your face lights up when you see your daddy and you give him your best smiles. I love the way you are such a snuggly little guy and find so much comfort in my arms.

You are such a loved little boy. Even before you were born, you filled so many hearts because of the fervent prayers we were all praying for you. I love watching you sleep, so peaceful, and think about how just a few months ago, I was having a huge battle within myself, from the fear of certain dr reports, and not even knowing if I would get to hold you and have you with me.

You are a mellow little guy, and do not want to miss out on anything! Hence the "fighting sleep" in the daytime, but hopefully that will improve with time. You calm so much to music and love listening to mommy and Sophie reading books. You have no interest at all in the swing or bouncy chair, and would rather be in arms all day long :)

I love you precious Tanner. I thought it would take me longer to "love" or "bond" with a 2nd child, but the moment you were born, I have felt such an amazing love for you, my son.

Luv, Mommy

Update on Tanner

What a long day! Thought I would write an update on here about what went on today.

BACKGROUND

For those of you who do not know, when I was 21 weeks pregnant and having my "big ultrasound", they saw that the baby's right kidney had multi-cysts and was enlarged. I had to go for many follow up ultrasounds to check the baby's kidneys. What was told to us in the beginning was that it looked like it was a genetic kidney disease, but since it was just 1 kidney, that was a good thing. At my 28 week ultrasound, the report showed that BOTH kidneys were enlarged and had cysts. We were told it was 1 of 2 things: 1) Auto-recessive Polycystic kidney disease, which is a genetic disease and most likely means dialysis/kidney transplant, or 2) Multicystic Dysplastic kidney, which means the kidneys didn't form correctly. If this is in 1 kidney, that is fine, b/c you can live a totally normal and healthy life with just 1 kidney. However, if it's both kidneys not formed correctly, this is something that is not compatible with life. Needless to say, after hearing that report, we went through probably the hardest emotional week of our lives. Many many prayers were being prayed for our little baby. We were referred to a Pediatric Urologist 2 weeks later and had a very thorough ultrasound, and the result of that was: The left kidney is a perfectly beautiful functioning kidney :) But the right one just never developed properly. It was Multi-cystic dysplastic kidney, but since it's only 1 kidney, we were told that really, if we hadn't had an ultrasound ever, we probably would never have known in our child's whole life that they only had 1 kidney. They told us that they wanted to check the baby after it was born, at around 1 month.

TODAY:

Tanner had a few different procedures done today. The first was a repeat ultrasound of the kidneys. What this showed today, was that 1) his right kidney which had the cysts is smaller...this is GREAT. This is what needs to happen, and 2) the good left kidney has gotten bigger which is another AWESOME thing that needed to happen, to show that the left kidney is compensating for the non-functioning one. The urologist was very happy to see this, and we will go for a follow up ultrasound in 6 months just to check it again.

The 2nd procedure Tanner had done was to check if there was any reflux in the good kidney (meaning, stuff from the bladder going back up into the kidney). In people with Multi-cystic Dysplastic Kidney, you have a 1 in 4 chance of having reflux. Well, Tanner is that 1 in 4 person (seriously, this little guy better be the best behaved teenager, after all we are going through with him now, lol!!) However, the dr said that it is a very "low grade" reflux and in 80% of this low grade kind, it goes away on it's own, not requiring surgery. He really wasn't too concerned, and said he had never done surgery on this level of reflux. So we are praying and believing that it WILL go away on it's own.

Tanner was SUCH a trooper today...getting poked, examined, bugged, catheterized...he was such a champ. Mommy was pretty teary at times, but managed to hold it together...just!

Please keep up your prayers for our little miracle!

My Precious Little Boy...

It has been so long since I have posted on here! We have had a wonderful addition to our family in this time :)

Tanner Michael Koepke was born at 8:17am, Tuesday, June 2nd, weighing 8 lbs 5 0z and 21.5 inches long. Born with a head of light brown hair and looking so much like his older sister looked when she was born!

It was a wonderful birth and labor. With all the stress and emotions of this pregnancy, when we went through uncertain times if we would even get to meet the little one growing inside me, it was such a miracle and a sweet relief to meet this precious little boy.

He is a cuddler, a mellow little guy (unless he's hungry, dirty diaper or tired) and has already completely enraptured our hearts. He is peeing great (not something you normally brag over, but peeing is a sign of good kidney health).

We have an appt with a pediatric urologist on June 30th. They will do a repeat ultrasound of his kidneys, as well as a procedure known as VCUG where they will test the GOOD kidney to see if there is any reflux (Basically, to see that everything is functioning fine on that side). So please pray!

But honestly, we are so blessed with our precious son. He fills our hearts. Sophie loves him so much and is so proud to be a big sister.

It's out of our control

As a pretty control freak/everything in it's place/routine/scheduled/OCD type person, one can say that I function well when things are in order. I can do okay with change, surprisingly, as long as it is anticipated, planned, and well thought-out.

It is funny how different things happen to "throw off" the balance of "control" in one's life. It seems there are so many areas right now where I have NO CONTROL, and honestly, that is a scary place for me. Maybe my own insecurities, but "letting go and leaving it in God's hands" is something that I have to battle DAILY.

Right now, I really feel like this in a lot of areas. With my job: hearing all these reports of budget cuts and how dismal and horrible the future looks, but not yet knowing EXACTLY what that will entail for me and my family is really tough. With my pregnancy: This "waiting game" of "what's going on with the baby's kidney" is soooooo tough. There are days when I feel SO strong, and my faith in God is so high. Then there are days, like today, when I just feel so "out of control" about it all...there is nothing I can do, BUT pray and trust, and wait on the Lord. So hard for me...I just want to know!

Then, there is Chris and Stephanie. This amazing couple who I have only met once or twice but who are good friends with a good friend of mine. They are going through something right now that I couldn't possibly even phathom...the loss of their infant daughter. But even amidst this horrible time, when things are "out of their control", they are finding their rest and peace in GOD alone. Such an example that I know I need to follow.

Check out their journey here

Cadbury, how I love thee...

Well, it has hit...my yearly obsession with ANYTHING Cadbury chocolate, but most especially, Cadbury mini eggs. Oh man, they are hitting the spot lately! People must think I'm weird, or obsessed, about the amount of time that I spend talking about Cadbury Mini eggs. So I'll change my tune :)

This weekend I was up in Canada visiting Daddy dearest. I took a break from the Cadbury mini eggs and instead enjoyed wonderful delicacies such as Cadbury Caramilk chocolate bar (a yummy concoction, chocolate with soft caramel centers, in a bar form) and Cadbury Aero bars (bubbly chocolate :) )

Sigh...this happened to me when I was pregnant with Sophie too...eating and craving so much chocolate this time of pregnancy that I didn't know what to do with myself. Well, that is besides EAT it...This easter candy thing is pretty tough. With Sophie, I had my biggest weight gain during the month leading up to easter, b/c of all the cadbury mini eggs I consumed. I don't think this next pregnancy is shaping up to be any different, LOL