It's a Beautiful Day...

Off to kindergarten...

2011-09-01T21:04:00.000-07:00

Well, the day finally came...Sophie is off to kindergarten! Even as I type that, it seems SOOOOO unreal that I have a child who is old enough to go to school. Wasn't I just dealing with that colicky infant? Didn't she just learn how to roll over? I must have blinked, because Sophie grew up right before my eyes...

Started the day special for her, and she got to "order" her breakfast from "Mama's Restaurant" menu that we use for VERY special days only. She chose a cheese omelet, blueberries and chocolate milk. Breakfast of champions :)

Sophie was so excited for kindergarten and she was literally bouncing off the walls. We got to school early (so we could get a parking spot...the lot fills up SO fast). As we waited up by the office, I could tell Sophie was getting a little bit nervous. She told me she could feel the butterflies in her tummy. When they finally opened the hallway doors to go to the classrooms, she got a very serious look on her face. We got to the door of her classroom and she grabbed my hand, but walked in confidently. She found a place and got right to work on an activity left for them. I did not want to leave! In fact, I was one of "those" parents. I was the last one in the classroom, and only left because I felt awkward being the only one. Saying good-bye to Sophie was hard for me! My precious little girl who has never been NOT at home with me during the days. She only went to pre-school on the days that I worked, so to come home to a house with no Sophie was hard. As you know, I am probably one of THE most sentimental people. I am so excited for Sophie in this new season and I love seeing her joy and excitement, yet my heart just aches for how fast she is growing up.

I couldn't stop looking at the clock all day, and poor Tanner kept reminding me of Sophie's absence, "Where Sophie go?" He came up to me once at a teary moment and said, "Mommy no sad, Sophie kindergarten." Precious boy.

When we went to go pick Sophie up, we were greeted with a very excited little girl who had a fantastic first day. Couldn't stop talking all about the 3 recesses, the fun new friends she made, eating lunch in the cafeteria, and of course, snack time. When daddy got home, we celebrated her first day with ice cream at McDonalds.

I'm so proud of Sophie and LOVE that she loves learning so much. I hope that this spark she has in her won't go out and she will always have this love for learning.

Standing outside her new school

Walking down to her class

Can you tell she is getting shy here?? Outside of her classroom.

Right to work!

Shaken up...

2011-08-15T22:28:00.000-07:00

Something very scary happened tonight and I am feeling really shaken up over it. Writing (or typing) things out always help me process through my emotions and feelings so here I am...

Tonight we were at the lake for a bbq and Jeremy was cooking burgers for us while the kids were eating hot dogs. I still cut up Tanner's hot dogs into bites because he just inhales his food and doesn't chew things up very well. I am busy talking when I feel Tanner's legs kicking the picnic bench and I look over at him and he is choking on his food. I yell for Jeremy, pick Tanner up and hit him on his back pretty hard. Jeremy came running over and did the whole mouth sweep thing and Tanner is just writhing, still not breathing. This went on for awhile until finally after a hard hit on the back, a piece of food came flying out of his mouth. I have never felt as much fear as I felt right then.

Seeing my son struggle to breathe, and in fact not be able to breathe, I felt so helpless as a parent. I just kept saying "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus" and the fear was just so strong. I just held him afterwards as he whimpered and rested his head on my shoulder and just thanked God so much for saving my Tanner.

Being a parent is such a scary thing. I have NEVER felt this scared though. There have been other times as a parent where I have felt fear. Like when Sophie had croup as a baby and struggled with her breathing then. Or when Sophie fell into a pool last summer. But tonight, by far was the scariest moment.

It just made me realize, once again, the reality of the preciousness of life. One moment, Tanner and I are giggling and playing hide and seek behind the trees, and the next minute he is choking and it is not coming out and the feelings of desperation just were consuming me. I am so thankful to the Lord for watching over my precious precious little guy. I know I have to surrender my children to the Lord and trust in His hand to protect them and watch over them all the time...I am so glad He is capable and stronger than me in my own strength.

I love you Tanner Michael...

My Baby is 5

2011-05-13T23:22:00.001-07:00

I cannot believe that my little Sophie Jean is 5 years old today. My heart has this ache in it for some reason as I say she is 5, maybe in disbelief that 5 years have gone by so quickly, or even just the reality that she is growing up so quickly. Too quickly for me.

I think back to the early days after Sophie was born. Me, as a first time mom, to a colicky baby. It was a really, really rough time in my life. I felt so incredibly inadequate as a new mom, so lonely for my mom, or really, any support at all, and just not sure that I would ever make it through those post partum days.

Somehow, those first 4 months seem as a dim, dim memory now. Because after those first few months, Sophie became this happy, peaceful, joyful little thing and has filled our home with all of those things. I had 3 years with just her before Tanner came and I am so thankful of all that time with my little buddy.

I look at Sophie now, this little girl, who is blossoming into a young lady all ready, and am so incredibly proud of her. She has such a sensitive and loving heart and is so compassionate to others. She has such a sensitivity to God and spiritual things and I know God has His hand on her life so strongly.

I just am not sure if I am ready for how fast life is going by. Because when I think back to when she was born, 5 years ago, it seems like just yesterday. And I don't want the next 5 years to fly by that fast as well. Tonight at bedtime, I just held Sophie a little while longer, and a little harder because I know that there won't always be the times that she will want me to cuddle her anymore. So for now, before she grows up even quicker, I will hold her a little longer, and a little harder, and be thankful for this precious precious girl who has made me the happiest mom in the world.

I love you Sophie. You have helped heal my heart in so many ways.

Interview

2011-03-31T13:37:00.000-07:00

I got this idea from Becky and I had to copy it!

Here is an interview I did with Sophie the other day :)

Interview with Sophie—March 24, 2011—age 4 years, 10 months

1.What is something mom always says to you?
No, you can’t touch that.

2. What makes mom happy?
When I hug you and kiss her.

3. What makes mom sad?
When she doesn’t see me much.

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
When I tickle her 

5. What was your mom like as a child?
Cute

6. How old is your mom?
30

7. How tall is your mom?
TALL…500?

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
To play with us

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
Go shopping

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
A Movie Star

11. What is your mom really good at?
Tickling

12. What is your mom not very good at?
I don’t know…nothing

13. What does your mom do for her job?
Work at a school and teaches kids who aren’t my age.

14. What is your mom's favorite food?
Shepherd’s pie (I’ve had this once in my life, lol)

15. What makes you proud of your mom?
How she hugs me tight when she gets home.

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Still mommy

17. What do you and your mom do together?
Shop and go to the park and play games and eat banana bread.

18. How are you and your mom the same?
Same hair and blue eyes and the same skin.

19. How are you and your mom different?
We don’t talk the same. We have different voices.

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
Because she tells me

21. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
Target

Sophieisms

2011-03-24T14:07:00.000-07:00

Got a couple "Sophie sayings" that made me smile today :)

1) Sophie was using the toilet and I suddenly hear her excitedly yell, "Mommy!! I am fitting better on the toilet without having to hold myself up! My bum must be getting bigger! Yay!!!" (all the while I'm thinking, "let's see if you are still cheering about that in 20 years, lol)

2) During prayer last night, Sophie decided to pray for a very special person to "find a husband". Here's her prayer:

" And Lord, I just pray you find ______ a husband NOW. Just take parts of her body and make it into a man. Amen"

Can you tell who had just heard the story about Adam and Eve???

From Sophie's mouth to God's ear

2011-03-06T21:36:00.000-08:00

I have to say, there is something about hearing a young child pray with such faith and conviction, that touches my heart! Sophie has become quite the powerful pray-er. Every night before bed, she prays first, and then we do. It's cute to hear the things she says. She always prays for: 1) Something she is thankful for, 2) Something she wants Jesus to help her with, and 3) Someone to pray for. This was her prayer tonight:

"Dear Jesus, I'm thankful that we went to Red Robin and got a balloon. Please help me listen and obey the first time. And talk nice to my friends at preschool tomorrow. I pray for Mommy that you will bless her tomorrow at work. With peace. And strength. And that the kids will listen. I just love you so much Jesus. Come more in my heart and live there. Take away my sin. Amen".

Precious girl...

The Best Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T20:56:00.000-08:00

I am so blessed. I have an amazing husband who is so caring and thoughtful. I have an AWESOME daughter who loves to do special things to make me smile. And I have a pretty cool little son who just adds entertainment to whatever we do :)

Jeremy and I went out for a date on Friday night, so really, I wasn't expecting today to be anything too special. I was making a nice dinner at home and just asked Jeremy if he could set the table nice so we could give Sophie a nice candlelight dinner for Valentine's (she was soooo excited for Valentine's day, even though her preschool wasn't doing a party or anything, I wanted to make the day special for her). But pretty lowkey.

However, after a crazy morning in my classroom with my students who were all so EXCITED for their Valentine's festivities we'd have at the end of the day, at lunch time, I locked myself in my classroom to eat lunch alone (how exciting and social of me, huh? I also was doing work.) As I was enjoying the solitude of eating in my quiet classroom, there is a knock at the door. I thought it was one of my students who forgot their lunch (again), so I go to answer the door. But MUCH to my huge surprise, Sophie and Jeremy were standing there with a beautiful bouquet of roses. Oh, I was sooooo happy! Nothing could have been better for me than to have a visit from 2 of my most favorite people in the world. To see my sweet little Sophie (who was still sleeping this morning when I left for work), just rejuvinated me so much. They spent some time with me at lunch, and got to see my students at lunch. I felt soooo proud walking through my school cafeteria with my precious daughter and amazing husband.

So, no matter that I had students melting down or hiding under desks today. No matter that I had colleagues tell me that they have no more support to give me with some of my hard kids, I had the best day ever, why? Because 2 of my favorite peeps came and brightened my day :) Happy Valentine's Day to me.

Irrational fear...

2011-01-22T14:06:00.000-08:00

Definition: Extreme and irrational fear of a particular object, class of objects, or situation. Anxiety is its chief symptom. Phobias are generally believed to result when fear produced by an original threatening situation (such as a near-drowning in childhood) is transferred to other similar situations (such as encounters with bodies of water), the original fear often being repressed or forgotten.

Okay, so I haven't blogged in a couple of months and then I come out with a big one, lol. Bear with me.

I have been realizing more and more lately, that I DO have what people refer to as "irrational fear". Now, I do NOT believe it is to the extreme of what the above definition implies, but I do know that having these kind of "fears" is something that I am aware of and am working on releasing to God.

I recently read a book entitled, "Motherless Mothers". I had SUCH a connection to this book because, as the title implies, it is a book written about and for Motherless Mothers. One of the key things in the book states that because of suffering an "unnatural loss" (a loss that is not an expected one, but due to sickness/accident, someone dies) that persons way of thinking is forever changed. Gone are the days of "just having a headache". Right away, thoughts turn to "am I okay? Do I have a tumor? What will happen to my kids?" Okay, that's an extreme example, but really, because of losing my mom at such a young age, I feel I really lost the "naiveity" of life. I KNOW that little things like "a headache", or a "lump" have changed my life forever and resulted in a loss so strong that has impacted me forever.

I hate the fact that I have "lost" part of that naiveity. I feel like I lost the ability to brush things aside as not important, or as "nothing" because I experienced such a devestating loss that wasn't just a "nothing."

Here are a few examples of my "irrational" thinking:

A few months back, I noticed a little lump in Sophie's neck. Instantly I just felt this fear and this apprehension that it was something like "cancer". I have known too many young children recently, unfortunately who are battling cancer, so that was my first fear. It ended up just being a swollen gland.

I also felt a "lump" in my back, and right away my heart just started aching and I thought, "Lord, my kids can't lose me as I lost my mom." It turned out to be a sebaceous cyst, a harmless cyst.

Tanner just had a fever the other day. It was 103 at night, in the morning 100, and then disappeared. Instead of me just thinking, "Oh, he has a bug, or Oh, he's teething", right away my thoughts turned to "Oh, no, his kidney reflux has caused a kidney infection and his one good kidney is being damaged, and then he'll need dialysis and....". I had to stop myself here and just pray because immediately my mind went to the "worst case scenario".

This is something that I am really really working so hard at giving to God. I do not want to live in constant fear that myself or someone I love is going to get sick and die. That feeling of fear can be all encompassing and I don't want to be trapped by that. I want to be able to just stand on God's word and BELIEVE that He is in control of every situation and no matter what happens, He is still real, He is still God, He is still there. Because, despite how my life and my way of thinking has been forever altered by losing my mom, God HAS been there. He has never left me. I KNOW He is in control. I don't want to spend all my days waiting for the "What ifs" to happen, but I want to be able to turn those fears over to God. That even despite that this is NORMAL thinking for people who have experienced these horrible losses, I don't want to use that as an excuse to walk out every moment in my life with fear.

Procedure

2010-11-12T13:39:00.000-08:00

Day # 12: I am thankful for my precious miracle boy, Tanner. He has brought so much joy and laughter and energy to our home! Please pray for him tomorrow morning as he is having a not so fun sedated procedure to check his kidney. Since he only has one kidney, he needs it to be HEALTHY, so please pray that the kidney reflux he had at birth is GONE!

Tanner was SUCH a little trooper this morning at his VCUG (to check for his kidney reflux). A not fun procedure where he had a catheter put in, then they inflate his bladder a few times with this contrasting liquid, so they could see if any urine was refluxing back from the bladder to the kidney. At 1 month old when he had this procedure done before, it showed that he had Level 2 Kidney Reflux. Level 1 is the lowest, 4 is the highest. The dr, at that time, said that most people with level 2 kidney reflux have it go away on it's own, hopefully within a few years. In rare cases, people with Level 2 reflux need to have surgery to fix it. Sometimes medication is given to keep off kidney infections. Since Tanner only has 1 kidney, it is a higher concern to keep that 1 kidney healthy.

This morning, I was more worried about the fact that he couldn't eat/drink anything (had to fast since last night). He had moderate sedation, so he was awake but very "high", lol. Giggly, loopy, drunk are good words to describe him. Did great through the whole procedure, and just had a hard time in the car on the way home...so tired and hungry, but wouldn't eat.

So we will know more when we meet with the urologist next Friday, but the dr today said there is STILL reflux. Probably about the same level. We were believing that the reflux was gone, so guess we just need to up our prayers for that.

It was hard for me to see him go through that. I think, most of the time, I sometimes "forget" about his kidney stuff. Going through my pregnancy with him was a scary time as dr's were trying to figure out what he had and given us very scary prognosis's. Then with him being so healthy and energetic and not having any issues because of his kidneys, I forget. Today was a huge reminder of the health implications, but also, an AMAZING reminder of Tanner's testimony and the fact that in utero, his ultrasounds showed things a lot worse than they are. I need to keep reminding myself of that whenever I start feeling that fear or discouragement about this. God's hand is on Tanner and I KNOW He will take care of my precious little boy.

Connections

2010-11-04T16:02:00.000-07:00

Day #3: I am thankful for the awesome bible study I went to this morning! The last 7 weeks of the Beth Moore bible study has been amazing and I am sad it's over!

I have been going to my church for 12 years now. You'd think I'd have taken advantage of all the bible studies that are offered at my church in that time, right? Never have. I've given excuses...I work, and I'm tired at night. Or, I work, so I can't go to the morning studies b/c of that fact. Well, this summer, in the midst of realizing that a) I have lived here for 12 years and do not have a lot of close friends here at all, and b) I need to get off my sorry butt and put more effort and time into others lives and even though I treasure my days off with my kids, I know that I do crave close girl friendships. This summer I started getting together with some amazing moms from my church and have so enjoyed building those relationships. So now, even though I'm working, I am finding more of a connection so that means that even if I'm tired, I WILL go do these things b/c not only does it build my spiritual self, it is building my emotional self too, as I am finally making those dear, dear friends who I connect with.

Precious Cuddles

2010-11-02T20:35:00.000-07:00

Day 2: I am SO thankful that this tough work day is done and I get to go home and cuddle my precious kiddos!

Today was a tough one. No tougher than other ones I've had recently, and probably not the worst. But it was a very mentally draining day. I got really, really frustrated today with a specific situation and the complete lack of support I got for it. I really don't feel that constant negative and disrespectful behavior should be rewarded, but that is what I am told by people who are supposed to be my support. I almost started banging my head against the wall after a conversation I had with my "support".

So after dealing with those frustrations, my heart was filled with so much joy when I got to pick up my kids. When I got to Tanner's baby-sitters and he saw me, the squeal of joy and running to hug me wiped away some of those frustrations that had consumed my day. Then seeing Sophie run towards me and jump into my arms at preschool put that joy back into my heart. I love my kids so much. Their cuddles can fix so many things.

Day #1 of Thankfulness!

2010-11-01T21:31:00.001-07:00

In a season of craziness and a lot of discouragement, I am going to take this month to focus my thoughts truly upward and consider the many, many blessings that are in my life, that too often get overshadowed by the "tough stuff". Everyday I am going to post an "I am thankful for" statement on here give a little note about it. So here it goes!

#1 I am thankful for....the wonderful roast dinner that my awesome hubby prepared for us today!

It was so awesome today to come from a crazy day at work to a house that smelled so wonderful! Jeremy had prepared this wonderful roast dinner and being that Mondays he gets home from work at 1, he often makes dinner those nights. I am so glad that Jeremy is the kind of guy who is good in the kitchen and very willing to try anything! Today, knowing that I didn't have to worry about, "What will I make tonight?", was such a blessing. I love my husband!

Such a sweet, sensitive soul

2010-10-10T20:23:00.000-07:00

There are many things that Sophie says/does that just blow me away sometimes. Whether it's sounding out words and actually learning how to read on her own, or whether it's learning to tie her shoe on her own and so excited to show me. But what blesses my heart the most, is to see Sophie's innocent and trusting heart.

Sophie has always been sensitive to "spiritual things" and very understanding in a simplistic way of Jesus and his love for us. She asked Jesus into her heart last year and I KNOW that it was so real to her. She has an absolute faith and trust in Jesus and to see that really blesses me as a parent.

Today, we had on a kids worship DVD that she loves, where there are kids singing her favorite worship songs. She loves watching it and occasionally joining in. Today, I see her standing there singing to the song, "Here I am to Worship", and she is wiping her eyes and crying. She said, "Mommy, I am crying happy tears. I just love God so much". That was enough to send this Mommy to tears too. But then she gasps and looks at me with huge eyes and says, "Mommy, Jesus just touched my heart! He is making me all better! (She has had this lingering cough/congestion)". She was so excited and ran up to me and just wanted to hug me.

I am AMAZED at her "softness". I love seeing her innocent heart. I know she will see and experience many heart aches in her life, many of which will challenge her faith and her trust. But my prayer as her mom is that this softness that she has now in her spirit and this trust she has in Jesus will grow and grow.

She blesses me...

Oh, I wish I had creative abilities...

2010-10-06T15:48:00.000-07:00

So I have been seriously thinking doing something "different" than my current job. For those of you who know me, the last few years have been very trying with my job. I am fortunate to only work part-time, and yet at the same time, what happens in those few days leave me so mentally exhausted. I do have my Reading endorsement and am seriously considering leaving the "classroom" for a bit and possibly being a Reading Specialist. We shall see. However...

I have some SUPER creative/talented people around me. I have friends who are photographers, so they don't have the 9-5 jobs, but they have jobs where they can use those creative abilities. I have another good friend who has started an online baby/kids boutique and makes such cute accessories for kids and actually makes money doing it. Do I have those abilities? Ummmm, I think not.

So what can I do?? I am not a "salesperson", so doing things that requires "recruiting people" for a service/party is not my thing. I know people can make money with Mary Kay/Pampered Chef/Candle/Jewelry parties but once again, the non salesperson part of me "feels bad" for asking people to come to these things.

Sigh, any ideas? Different things that I can do "from home" that would help bring in a few dollars?

It's the little things

2010-09-27T19:57:00.000-07:00

Lately I have really been struggling with the fact that I am working, albeit part-time, but working nonetheless while I have little kids. More than anything, I want to be able to stay at home full-time with Sophie and Tanner, and I have been so sad that I can't right now. Lots of mommy guilt. And if you know me at all, you know that I am very sentimental and every little event/moment that my kids go through mean so much to me. I have felt that I have missed out on so many things with working. I wasn't able to go to Sophie's first day of pre-kinder this year because that was my first day of school with my class. I wasn't able to go to Sophie's preschool graduation last year because I was working and I cried many tears over that. And the fact that Sophie only goes to preschool on the days that I work means that I don't get to go to any of the special things that go on.

So today, I only worked half a day because I had to take Tanner to a doctor appointment. However, I got off a little bit earlier and I was able to go to Sophie's preschool and eat lunch with her today. When I got there, she was busy reading with her friends and didn't notice me. When the teacher called the kids to go wash their hands and line up, she saw me and her face broke out into the biggest smile and she ran and gave me a hug. I watched her as she washed her hands and all the kids were around her saying, "who is that?". Sophie, (with a huge smile on her face) said, "That's my mom. She's eating lunch with me today". I heard "Cool", and "Neat" from the kids. The whole time she washed her hands, she had the biggest smile on her face.

No, it wasn't the biggest thing, it wasn't the first day of school. But you know what, to Sophie it meant the world. And it meant the world to me too, to be able to do that.

Hello??? Is there an echo???

2010-09-12T20:40:00.000-07:00

Remember me? Yeah, I took a little bit of a "break" from the blogging world. No real reason why, other than the fact that I just had no idea what to write about. SO much has happened, and the longer I took a break, the more daunting the task was to come back and update. So I'm not. I'm just going to start over from right now! I need a place to come to "get out" some of my feelings. Whether people read it or not, I just need a place to share things.

I am back at work now...school started this past week and I am trying to get back into the swing of things. After a GREAT summer, a MUCH needed break after a really rough spring at work, I felt pumped and ready to go. It was a tough first week...really, 32 kids in one class is hard enough, but add in some severe behaviors and I feel a bit overwhelmed. But I've never backed down from a challenge before, huh?

Sophie is so excited to be back at pre-school. Hard to believe she is in pre-kindergarten. She is so grown up and growing so fast every single day. Tanner is trying to keep up with her and doesn't quite understand that he can't do everything she does. Hmm, the life of a 2nd born, huh?

I love my babies and I know I will get back in the swing of things with work, but at the moment, I still get tears every morning saying good-bye

Dearest Tanner

2010-06-06T15:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Tanner,

You are 1!! I still can't believe that. This year probably was the fastest year I have ever experienced (maybe because you are SUCH a busy and active little guy??) It's hard to believe you are growing up so quickly, too fast for me! I am loving this age with you...you are so fun and so joyful. But I wish it would slow down...

You sure loved your cake at your birthday (your 2nd birthday party...the first one, with all the relatives, you just picked at your cake and rubbed it all over your face and hair. The 2nd one, with just close family, you devoured that cake). You absolutely LOVE food. If someone has food, you want it! You get very mad if we give you something different than what you are having. Black beans are one of your favorite foods and I love how you have a black/purple face when you are done eating them.

One thing that changed this month is that you are no longer just walking...you are RUNNING!! You don't stop. You always are "on a mission" and it's hard to keep track of you. One of your favorite things ever, is being chased. You start shrieking and laughing and running away. It always makes us giggle so much to see you get so excited about it.

You still are obsessed with the TV/entertainment center but are doing SO much better at not going up to it all the time. You have learned what No and Uh-uh means and when you hear it, you sometimes just plop yourself down on the ground and get all frustrated (you show this by throwing your head forward).

You have turned into such a good sleeper, which I am thankful for, since the first 4 months with you were not full of sleep! You take 2 solid naps and go to bed around 7:30 (earlier on nights I work) and wake up around 7. You are still nursing, 4 times a day and I am still not ready to be done. It's the one time when you are still and calm and I love those moments.

Still aren't saying many words but the ones you do say are: sss-sss=soo-soo (binky), Dada, Mama, ch-ch=cheerios (or any food!), see-see=Sophie? (you've just started saying this and we think it might be Sophie). It has been cute the past few days because when you are eating and want more, instead of doing the sign for more like we've been practicing, you clap your hands. It works!

I love you my precious Tanner. It's been quite the year! You fill my heart with such amazing joy.

Love, Mommy

My baby girl is 4

2010-05-29T16:08:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe that I am a mother to a 4 year old. The day Sophie was born still is so clear to me and I can't believe she is 4 already. It has been quite the exciting and full year for Sophie. Here is a run-down of some super important things that happened this year!

*Sophie became a big sister on June 2/2009, to baby brother Tanner!

*Sophie started pre-school

*Sophie got her first hair-cut!

*Sophie had her very first sleepover at Auntie Kelly's house (and didn't get much sleeping in, I'm afraid)

*Sophie went on her first camping trip (with Daddy!)

*Sophie asked Jesus into her heart :)

*Sophie is starting to learn how to read (she knows all her letter names/sounds and loves to write words she knows, and sound out words).

Sophie has really grown up so much this year. I look at pictures of her 1 year ago and 3, and she still had that "baby" look to her. Now I look at her and I see a big girl. She is still my silly little girl who makes us laugh all the time. Sophie is so expressive and dramatic and could spend all day, everyday playing dress-up (and sometimes she does!) The things she comes up with and says sometimes blows me away (and often makes me giggle too).

We are so blessed to have Sophie in our lives and I love my precious girl more than words can say.

11 months (a little late!)

2010-05-16T16:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Tanner,

Man, oh man. What a busy month this has been! Mommy is late in writing this because life has suddenly turned up a few notches on the CRAZY side. One of those CRAZY things is that you started walking this past month. You took your first steps at 10 months old and by 11 months, you were walking for longer stretches. You look so cute as you walk everywhere, sometimes you get going too fast for your own good and are flailing your arms as you walk and can't stop.

You are also into EVERYTHING. And when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING. To you, anything you see is a challenge to get to. If you see Sophie playing with anything, you immediately want to go play with it too. You don't understand when Mommy says you can't play with Sophie's Polly Pockets or her Littlest Pet Shop and you will let us know exactly how upset you are about that. You definitely have quite the temper in you and we are at that place of really praying for wisdom in how to best raise you and help shape your will.

I love it when we go ANYWHERE and people are always commenting on how friendly and happy you are. You freely give smiles and waves and now that you are walking, will walk right up to someone and give them a huge cheesy grin. You make everyone smile, Tanner, and I love the joy that is in you.

You are still not saying too many words yet. You have started to say "sss-sss" for "soo soo" (pacifier). You also will rest your head on our laps and say "awwwwwww". I know you want to say Sophie's name so badly. You see her and smile and shriek and start making "sssssssssssssssssss" sounds.

Your mullet is getting longer and I am afraid a haircut is due soon. You will be a ringbearer in your Auntie Pamela's wedding next week so probably you will get it cut before then.

I love you so much Tanner. I know you want to be so independent and do EVERYTHING that Sophie does, and my dear boy, you will get to. Don't rush this growing up thing, time is already going by so fast! I love you!

Love, Mommy

10 month wonder

2010-04-12T20:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Tanner,

I am finally catching a moment to come on here and update about your 10th month! When you are awake, I usually don't get a moment to sit down anymore. You are busy, busy, busy! Into everything, you are! Sophie likes to call you Curious George because you are curious about everything.

You definitely have been showing a strong-willed side this month. Not so much mellow baby these days. When you want something, you want it now, and we have been seeing your temper. Yikes! You are fascinated with the stairs. You think it is a game to crawl over to them so fast, turn around and look to see who is watching you, and then start shrieking and giggling as you race up the stairs as we try to run and get you. Little stinker :) You make us laugh with your antics!

You love remotes and definitely mommy's cell phone. The look of pure delight that crosses your face when you see that I have left my phone unattended is so sweet. You always make sure I know you have it though, but definitely are not a happy camper if I tell you not to put it in your mouth!

You still are taking 2 really good naps and sleeping between 11 1/2 and 12 hrs a night. I LOVE how long you sleep at night. You go to sleep easily and can get yourself back to sleep fine, as long as you have a "soo soo" handy. So we keep many of your pacifiers around your crib.

I really don't want to have to cut your hair, since you don't have a ton of it, but you are definitely developing a little mullet. You have the longer bushy look going on in the back, and then shorter up front. We will see how long I can handle that before I need to cut it, lol!

You freely give smiles, you are waving so much now to others too. I love it when we say "Praise Jesus!" and you lift your hands straight up in the air. You do NOT like to be laid on the changing table, or on your back anywhere if it means you have to be restrained. You just want to be on the go all the time. You love to eat, but if we are not fast enough, or if you are super hungry, you will tend to fuss during must of your meals. Not so fun! But then, we will give you your cheerios (which you call "ch ch") or a cracker and there are no more tears, just giggles and smiles.

You are not saying too many things. You say mama occasionally. You say dada but not necessarily for daddy all the time. You do say "ch ch" a lot, when you want your cheerios! You say "na na" when you are hungry. You have started to say "A dut" a lot. Not sure what you are really saying though :)

Tanner, as busy as you are, as on the go you are, and as strong willed you are, I still love it every night when you rest your head on my shoulder. Cuddling up with you, feeling your soft skin and smelling your baby smell is my favorite thing. I love you, Mr. T!

Love, Mommy

Let's not forget this one...

2010-03-08T21:18:00.000-08:00

So, in my once a month blogging, which is the letters I have been writing to Tanner on his monthly birthday, I have realized something....that although I LOVE writing these letters to Tanner, that's all I have been writing. I have not been writing about another special someone who also fills my life with so much joy. That's right, my firstborn, Sophie. So this post is dedicated to my girl :)

Sophie just amazes me everyday. I look at her and see a big girl, no more toddler, no glimpse of the "little girl" who was just in our lives. I get so sentimental when I think of how fast time has flown by and here she is, almost 4 years old and growing by leaps and bounds.

She is such a creative and imaginative little thing. Playing "family", or "animals" for hours. Creating little things, hoarding little items in her purses, or playing school. I love watching her! She is so into dress-up, and from the moment she wakes up till the moment she goes to sleep, she is wanting to wear one of her princess dresses, (AKA, Mommy's old frilly dresses from when she was younger.)

Sophie also amazes me with her learning. She knows all her letters and sounds, and even has started to sound out words and figure them out. When she "gets" a word by sounding it out, she jumps up and down and shrieks excitedly, "I am reading! I am reading!" So precious.

Sophie made a very important decision last Sunday night. At the dinner table, we were talking about where Jesus lived, and Sophie said "in heaven." I said that one day she could ask him into her heart, just like Mommy and Daddy have done. This is something we talk about a lot. A little while later she came up to me and told me "Mommy, I want to pray and ask Jesus into my heart." That night, when Daddy got home, we were talking with her about what that really meant. We were astonished at her simple faith and her understanding of that. After she prayed a really sweet prayer, she had a "praying song" she wanted to sing. She made us close our eyes and then proceeded to sing to Jesus about how much she loves him, how he is her hope and her strength. Let me just tell you, my tears were flowing. Her heart is so soft and open to Jesus and makes me so happy to see her experiencing him in her own way.

She is almost done her first year at preschool, where she has made some neat little friends. She is SO black and white and tells us daily which kids had to have a time-out and what they were doing. I think she'll be one of those kids that will always want to please the teacher!

So this is our little Sophie, growing so big, right before our eyes.

9 months old

2010-03-04T10:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Tanner,

I am writing your 9 month letter while you are napping, since when you are awake, I have lovingly named you "Tanner the tornado". You are 100% boy...busy, busy, busy!! If there is something to knock over, you will knock it over. If there is something to bang, you will bang it. If there is something to dump, you will dump it. It is so funny to see the look of determination on your face when you get something in your sights. You are OBSESSED with the tv/DVD/stereo, and it's amazing that already at 9 months old, we can see your little "will" coming out. You look at us with your adorable smile and then proceed, for the 17th time, to go and bang on the TV. You definitely are keeping us on our toes!!

You started fully sleeping through the night this month, hallelujah! You usually go to bed at around 7:30, and sleep till 7-7:30. Every once in awhile you still may wake up in the night, but those nights are hit and miss now. You take 2 good naps a day, and settle easily with your "soo soo" and blankie after around 3+ hrs of being awake.

We are starting to see a little "temper" in you if we don't move fast enough for your liking. When you are hungry, we better have the food ready RIGHT THEN or you get very mad. You have been eating a TON lately. Mostly baby food, but you've also started eating cheerios, veggie puffs, and pieces of bread. You love trying to pick up the little pieces, although you still have a hard time actually getting those little pieces into your mouth.

You have started to balance standing on your own for a few seconds at a time...it scares mommy as she is NOT ready for a walker. You keep trying to find your balance when standing against something, and slowly taking your hands off. You just want to grow up so fast! You are not interested in your baby toys at all anymore, but can spend soooo long with Sophie's toy kitchen, pulling out the drawers, playing with the food, and banging the pots and pans. Time to pack up the baby toys :(

You are still a mama's boy and definitely need your mama. When I walk into a room and you see me, I love seeing your little face light up. You are my precious boy and everyday I thank God for the miracle of you in my life.

Love, Mommy

8 months (a little late)

2010-02-11T20:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Tanner,

I am a bit late in posting this, but that is pretty fitting for this month!! This has been one busy month with you, Tanner! You are just on the go all the time. 3 days after you started crawling, you started pulling up on things to stand! Slow down buddy!! Now you love to stand EVERYWHERE. You started standing up in your crib for naps and haven't figured out how to get back down, so naps have been a bit crazy the past few days. But you have been blessing us with some good nights of 10-12hrs nights, so thank you!!

You said "Mama" purposefully the other day and now say it quite regularly when you want me. You are still a mama's boy but love your daddy immensely and always give him a big smile whenever you see him! Sophie is still your favorite person ever and always just smile and laugh whenever she is around.

You have started to become a better eater, except you do prefer fruits to veggies. You are not a fan of homemade baby food so all those jars that we made are sitting in the freezer :) You like eating teething biscuits and Baby Mum Mum rice cakes. You always have a smile when you eat them, like you are so proud of yourself for being a "big boy".

You are a typical boy...you already have gotten your share of bumps and bruises, and even your first black eye! But it amazes me that you can fall down and land hard but just get up without flinching! You also have gotten another tooth finally, your top Eye tooth! You love chomping on everything, and we have to make sure that Sophie puts all her toys away because you zero in on the littlest thing.

I love you my cuddle bug. The smiles you give me all the time just melt my heart.

Love Mommy

Another month goes by...

2010-01-03T21:09:00.000-08:00

Dear Tanner,

The months are just flying by and I find myself loving you more and more each and everyday. You are my cuddly little thing who just loves to be held and snuggle with anyone! I love the way you are starting to reach out when you want to be picked up, or the way that a big smile breaks out on your face when your eyes meet mine in a large room. My precious boy...

This has been a busy month for you! You finally mastered rolling both ways (YAY!) so this has made night times a lot better as you roll to whatever position you like :) We also leave a bunch of soothers (AKA binkies) all around your crib and you find them fine on your own. You've had a nasty cold that has turned into your first ear infection, and you've had it for around 2 weeks, so our nights have been pretty interrupted with that. You are also sooooooo close to crawling. You get around on all 4's, but not the typical "crawling" way yet. But you do get around. It is so fun to see you get so proud of yourself when you do something and everyone cheers. A huge smile just lights up your face, and you try to do it again

You celebrated your first Christmas! You love banging on the boxes and trying to put the wrapping paper in your mouth. You were such a trooper to all the different events. You even went on your first trip to Canada! You loved staying at Grandpa's house and meeting all the relatives up there that have never met you before.

You loved eating solids until you got sick, now you don't want anything to do with them. Since you got sick, you have now been waking up a few times in the night again to eat. Mommy hasn't minded this too much over Christmas break, but with her going back to work tomorrow, she is worried how she'll function with such all this interrupted sleep again.

You have started "talking" more. You say dada, but not for "Daddy". You love to make sounds as you chew on your tongue, looks so funny! You still are in LOVE with your big sister. The moment she is in the room, your eyes are focused on her. You laugh so much at the funny things she does.

You are my precious, precious little boy and I love you so much.

Love, Mommy

Half a year...

2009-12-03T15:27:00.000-08:00

Dear Tanner,

Happy half birthday!! So hard to believe that 6 months ago, I was in the hospital meeting you for the first time. That feels like just yesterday to me!

This has been a busy month for you. You have 2 teeth now, your bottom ones. You look so cute with these little ones poking through. However, you have bitten mama a few times, so hope that is not something you will do consistently. You are rolling from your tummy to your back pretty consistently, but not yet from your back to your tummy. You can sit up for a few seconds unassisted but your favorite thing to do is jump. You want to stand and jump all the time. You've recently started getting into the "crawling position" and rocking back and forth. That scares mommy a little bit, she is not ready for a crawler!

Mommy had to go back to work this month and had SUCH a hard time with that. You are spending 2-3 days a week with Marci, a wonderful wonderful lady who you love already! You are so smiley and happy there, sleep well there, and it makes mommy feel soooo good to know you are somewhere where you are safe and loved.

You've started waking up a lot more in the night again, so we started "operation get rid of swaddle and sleep positioner" since you'd be struggling to get our of your swaddle and then be in this weird position in the positioner. You are sleeping a lot better on your tummy. You know how to put the paci back in your mouth so mommy has put lots all over your crib so you can find them yourself :) Mommy still feeds you once during the night. We started you on solids a couple weeks ago. You were NOT interested in the cereals at all, but love sweet potatoes! You love sitting in the high chair with us when it's dinner time. You just laugh and look so proud of yourself. You are becoming SUCH a big boy!

You are still my cuddler. I can already tell that you have such a sweet spirit...you take after your daddy in that as well as your looks. Always a smile on your face, always a giggle ready to share. Everyone who meets you just comments about your smile and how happy you are. You are a flirt and love the ladies :)

Your mommy loves you, Tanner bo-banner :)

Love, Mommy

5 months old already!

2009-11-02T20:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Tanner,

I am just in awe of how fast time is flying by and how fast you are growing up! You are changing so quickly, every day, right before my eyes. I am LOVING this stage with you. You are so aware of everything around you, always reaching out for stuff, grabbing hold of anything you can, and usually everything ends up in your mouth. You have been working on teeth for a bit now, especially this last week. I'm hoping the little guys will pop through soon to give you some relief! I can tell you are so uncomfortable with them!

Tanner, you are my sweet, laughing boy. Always a smile on your face, always a giggle. I am amazed at the simple joy that you have already, at such a young age. The littlest things just make you laugh and laugh, and when you laugh, it makes all of us laugh too. You love hanging out on the changing table, you love it when mommy lifts you high and "flies" you through the air. You are so much fun.

You are eating about every 4 hours during the day. You are taking 3 naps a day, usually 2 long ones and a short one. You are addicted to your paci or "soo soo" and I think it is contributing to a lot more night wakings lately for a "replug". We've had to let you fuss a bit in the night, but you are learning to go back to sleep without it. You still wake to eat once during the night, and I don't mind that too much. I love my cuddle time with you!

You are such a sensitive little guy. You are quite the "startler" and the littlest noises make you jump. Sophie gets a kick out of doing the little things to make you "jump". But then you just give her one of your big smiles :) She can ALWAYS make you stop fussing. She just starts singing and you stop crying and just get so calm. She is mommy's secret weapon for those fussy moments!

You are LOVING the johnny jump up and spend so much time jumping around in there. You are just on the go all the time (for as much as you CAN be on the go for 5 months old). You always want to be standing in our laps, no sitting for you, which is just like Sophie was at this age too, and she is still on the go 24/7. I am so glad you still love your cuddles though. I love how every day before a nap, you just rest your head on my shoulder and nuzzle into me. You always follow me with your eyes, no matter where I go in the room. You end up in some weird positions as you arch around trying to see me.

I love you my precious boy!

Love, Mommy

Dizzy Days...

2009-10-04T20:09:00.000-07:00

I had a pretty bad scare the other night. I woke up at 2am and felt a throbbing on my right side of my head. I tried to lay down/walk around and it was still there. I started to feel really "weird". I remember waking Jeremy up and saying "Jeremy, my head feels funny" and right after that things got soooo much worse. My head starting spinning!!! It felt like I had just played "Izzy dizzy" and the spinning wouldn't stop. Jeremy helped me make it to the bathroom where I started throwing up, this lasted a few hours.

During this whole episode, the hardest thing to do was not to let the fear come in. Whenever there are things to do with health issues to someone close to me, or myself, I often panic and think of worse case scenario. I know a lot of this stems from me losing my mom at such a young age, and realizing that life can change in an instant. I hate how right away my mind goes to "tumor/aneurysm/stroke" and "what's going to happen to my kids because of this?".

At 4am, as this is still continuing full force, after Jeremy calls the advice nurse and they say "Bring her into ER!" Jeremy ends up calling the ambulance to come and get me. This was all going on around me and I just felt like it was so surreal. Got to the hospital and they decide to run a gamut of blood tests on me and do a CAT scan...never have had one of those in my life, so freaky.

Needless to say, all the results came back FINE. Dr said it could be an inner ear virus or something and to check in with a doctor in 3-5 days. I am soooo glad it is nothing serious, at the same time, going through that all really makes me realize the importance of life and how fragile it is and how at every moment, I just need to remember that God holds my life in his hands.

I'm so thankful that my dad was in town visiting, and my sister was such a godsend and came over and took care of the kids while I was in bed, literally, all day yesterday. I'm still a bit dizzy now, but enough to function, thank the LORD!

4 months!

2009-10-02T12:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Tanner,

Hard to believe that 4 months ago today, you were this new bundle in my arms! Watching you then was such a miracle, especially with all the turmoil of my pregnancy and all the unknown we faced then. I still think of you as my little miracle, and sometimes it hits me hard just what we almost faced with you. I wonder if I will always be a bit more protective of you because of all this.

You are growing sooooo big! Nearly 100% for height and 75% for weight...Long and lean like your daddy maybe? You are growing out of your clothes at an alarming rate, and pretty much wear all 6 month size sleepers. 3 mth pants are SO short on you!

It was a crazy month in the beginning, with you being Mr. Catnapper all day long. A little exhausting at times!! But you've started to take some nice longer naps this past week and are falling into a pretty consistent pattern which makes Mommy a little more relaxed :) You are still waking up in the night to feed, around 4-4:30 and then going back to sleep till 7-7:30. At times I just want you to be sleeping through the night, especially with me having to go back to work in a month, but when I'm holding you and feeding you in the middle of the night, how peaceful and still you are, I am not ready for that to be gone. Especially since when you are awake you are Mr. Active and Mr. go go go, non stop!

You are still my Mr. Smiley Guy! You laugh SOOOO easily and so much! You love being tickled and will shriek in anticipation as our hands get closer to tickling you. You fill my heart with so much joy, little man! I love how you just love to cuddle and be held. You don't seem to be "uncomfortable" anymore so hopefully we can be off the Reflux medication soon.

I love you my little guy!

Love Mommy

3 months old

2009-09-02T21:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Tanner (or Mr. Smiley).

My precious boy, I love watching your grow before my eyes! Every day you are changing and growing so much. You no longer are this little newborn baby who I could just hold in my arms. You are becoming such a big boy who is taking in everything around you! I love how you just zero in on Sophie and just love watching her all the time. You always have special smiles just for her, even when she is right in your face, like she is so much.

This month has been an interesting one. I am still trying to figure out your patterns and routines, but you like to keep me guessing. One night we will be blessed with a 6-8 hr chunk of sleep, and the next night you decide to wake up 4 times, either to talk for awhile, to fuss, or to eat. Mommy is pretty tired having to readjust to more wake ups again in the night after enjoying long chunks for awhile!

We've had quite a time with "health" stuff this month. Trying to figure out what is making you so uncomfortable. We have switched your acid reflux meds again and are hoping to see more change. We know when you are feeling good because you just love cuddling then. We don't know if the discomfort you are going through is any way related to suddenly screaming in the car/car seat. Trying to figure out if something is hurting you! Because as soon as you are out, you are just the happiest, smiliest little guy again.

You fill my heart with so much joy, little Tanner. Even in the middle of the night when you wake up and are so hungry, you will still give me a big old smile and just melt my heart. I love hearing you talk more and listen as you "find your voice", even though it would be nicer to hear it during the day, and not at 1am, or 2am, or 3am :) You are a giggly little guy and just make us laugh so much. Please don't grow up too fast, little man!

I love you,

Love, Mommy

You just LOVE staring at your daddy

Best buds

2 mths

2009-08-02T21:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Tanner,

Time is just flying by! I can't believe you are 2 months old today. In so many ways it feels like just yesterday we were driving to the hospital, getting ready to meet you, and now, here you are. It is hard to imagine our lives without you in it! You are so much a part of our family and we love you so much.

This has been such a big month for you. We've gone through some really tough days when you just were fighting sleep and wouldn't sleep anywhere...mommy was pretty tired those days. But it feels like we have been coming out of that recently. You have been falling asleep on your own in your crib without much of a fuss. When you are awake, you are the happiest little guy. You are smiling all the time. I love how you always are staring at me and when I make eye contact with you, you get all smiley and start cooing and just being so adorable. Even if you are so overtired, or if you are nursing, once we make eye contact, there is your big grin :)

You also started rolling over from tummy to back this month which has kind of floored mommy, as your big sister didn't roll over until 5.5 months! I thought it was just a fluke, but you have done it consistently now, during these past 2 weeks. Oh boy. You are always so alert, watching everything, your head arching back to see everything. But I love how in the past week you seem more "settled" and are back to snuggling on mommy's shoulder again. I have missed that.

You are a special little guy to me, and fill my heart more than I thought possible. I love you Tanner Michael!

Love, Mommy

My big girl

2009-07-20T21:41:00.000-07:00

My precious little girl Sophie, went to preschool for the first time today! Our church has a summer preschool program so Jeremy and I decided to send her 1 day a week for the rest of the summer. Good for her to get out and interact with other kids, as well as get used to being there, as she'll be going there in the fall a couple days a week.

I couldn't help but feel a little "weepy" today over Sophie. She woke up super early "so excited Mom!" for going to preschool. Sophie just wants to be a "big girl" soooo badly.

Seeing Sophie at preschool (yes, I stayed for a bit...not too long, but I needed to, for my sanity, watch my precious little girl there). She found her name on the little carpet square, promptly sat down criss-cross applesauce and her hands in her lap (she has been talking about going to school FOREVER, this is a dream for her, she plays it all the time).

I know I need to "let go" and let her grow to be the independent little girl she is, who has such a love for life, learning and others. It's hard though, for me, to watch this precious little jewel, who fills my heart with so much love and joy, grow up and not "need me" as much anymore. This little one who made me a mom. This little one who cried and screamed for most of her first 3 months, but blossomed into a joyful little soul. In school. Without me.

Even as I write this, I have a little tear coursing down my cheek. I am so proud of the little sweetie Sophie has become, and love seeing her grow and learn and become who she is. I just pray, that even with this new season for her, that she will still come to me for the cuddles and hugs that I am not ready to give up yet.

Sophie today, ready to go to preschool

Learning

Eating lunch like a big girl

And just because I'm feeling SO sentimental...here is little Sophie...this feels like JUST yesterday...

Just trucking along...

2009-07-18T13:46:00.000-07:00

Where is time going?? Too fast! There are days that feel like they are DRAGGING by (the days where both kids are fighting sleep) but really, I am just amazed at how fast everything is going by.

Tanner is getting soooo big. DEFINITELY losing that newborn look which makes me feel a bit sad. BUT, oh my gosh, he is my "smiley guy". He is smiling ALL THE TIME (unless he is in his crib :) He will smile as you are rocking him to sleep...he does this as he is making eye contact with me, love it. He's started smiling at me during nursing, which makes for messy nursing sessions, but I LOVE it.

We are having BIG issues in the sleep department...he sleeps GREAT at night, no problem there, however, daytime sleep, ugh, another story!! And yes, once again, I have a child who does not like to sleep in: their swing, bouncy chair, or carseat. If we go on long trips in the car, he is out like a light, but none of this sleep in the city stuff. Even in my arms, he does not usually sleep. So we put him in his crib and stay with him forever till he falls asleep, sometimes pushing the binky back in 100 times, other times putting our hand on his back, or shhh-ing him. Sigh, even fussing at times. It's hard b/c he will NOT sleep when we go out places, so, because of that, I often feel "stuck" at home, b/c I know I will be dealing with a severely overtired baby who doesn't want to sleep.

Right now, we are swaddling him for naps, which he doesn't like that much, however, without a swaddle for naps he doesn't settle well. I will gladly take ANY tips you have to offer :) :) Or, tips for getting him to LIKE his dang swing and bouncy chair enough to sleep in them occasionally, lol.

Sophie is growing up soooo quickly. I look at her and can't believe how grown-up she is. She is so articulate with her words and I am amazed at her understanding of things. She has such a sweet and sensitive spirit. It is getting hard to read books/watch movies with her b/c she asks 5 million questions throughout each, but as a teacher, I know I should encourage this. She wants to know everything. For those of you teachers out there, I almost want to do a Letter Identification test with her :) She can identify probably close to 95% of all upper case and lower case letters. She can spell out whole words, she is starting to write her name totally on her own (we have a funny looking S, an O, P, and an i right now).

I feel bad b/c over the past 7 weeks of adjusting to having a newborn, Sophie has been sorely neglected, which I know HAPPENS, but it's very hard for me, as I really miss her, and we DID have 3 years of just the 2 of us. Starting on Monday, we will be sending to her at least 1 morning a week of summer preschool at the preschool at our church, where she'll be going in the fall. I KNOW it will be good for her to get out, and interact and learn, but it makes Mommy so sad, b/c once again, it's a reminder of just how fast she is growing up.

I love my kids, I love my family, I am just one tired mama these days, but...just trucking along...

1 month old...

2009-07-02T22:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Tanner,

I can't believe you are 1 month old today! This month has just flown by, and along with that, you are growing and changing so much. You are such a blessing to our family, little buddy. I love the way that you calm as soon as you hear Sophie and turn to find her. I love how your face lights up when you see your daddy and you give him your best smiles. I love the way you are such a snuggly little guy and find so much comfort in my arms.

You are such a loved little boy. Even before you were born, you filled so many hearts because of the fervent prayers we were all praying for you. I love watching you sleep, so peaceful, and think about how just a few months ago, I was having a huge battle within myself, from the fear of certain dr reports, and not even knowing if I would get to hold you and have you with me.

You are a mellow little guy, and do not want to miss out on anything! Hence the "fighting sleep" in the daytime, but hopefully that will improve with time. You calm so much to music and love listening to mommy and Sophie reading books. You have no interest at all in the swing or bouncy chair, and would rather be in arms all day long :)

I love you precious Tanner. I thought it would take me longer to "love" or "bond" with a 2nd child, but the moment you were born, I have felt such an amazing love for you, my son.

Luv, Mommy

Update on Tanner

2009-06-30T21:41:00.001-07:00

What a long day! Thought I would write an update on here about what went on today.

BACKGROUND

For those of you who do not know, when I was 21 weeks pregnant and having my "big ultrasound", they saw that the baby's right kidney had multi-cysts and was enlarged. I had to go for many follow up ultrasounds to check the baby's kidneys. What was told to us in the beginning was that it looked like it was a genetic kidney disease, but since it was just 1 kidney, that was a good thing. At my 28 week ultrasound, the report showed that BOTH kidneys were enlarged and had cysts. We were told it was 1 of 2 things: 1) Auto-recessive Polycystic kidney disease, which is a genetic disease and most likely means dialysis/kidney transplant, or 2) Multicystic Dysplastic kidney, which means the kidneys didn't form correctly. If this is in 1 kidney, that is fine, b/c you can live a totally normal and healthy life with just 1 kidney. However, if it's both kidneys not formed correctly, this is something that is not compatible with life. Needless to say, after hearing that report, we went through probably the hardest emotional week of our lives. Many many prayers were being prayed for our little baby. We were referred to a Pediatric Urologist 2 weeks later and had a very thorough ultrasound, and the result of that was: The left kidney is a perfectly beautiful functioning kidney :) But the right one just never developed properly. It was Multi-cystic dysplastic kidney, but since it's only 1 kidney, we were told that really, if we hadn't had an ultrasound ever, we probably would never have known in our child's whole life that they only had 1 kidney. They told us that they wanted to check the baby after it was born, at around 1 month.

TODAY:

Tanner had a few different procedures done today. The first was a repeat ultrasound of the kidneys. What this showed today, was that 1) his right kidney which had the cysts is smaller...this is GREAT. This is what needs to happen, and 2) the good left kidney has gotten bigger which is another AWESOME thing that needed to happen, to show that the left kidney is compensating for the non-functioning one. The urologist was very happy to see this, and we will go for a follow up ultrasound in 6 months just to check it again.

The 2nd procedure Tanner had done was to check if there was any reflux in the good kidney (meaning, stuff from the bladder going back up into the kidney). In people with Multi-cystic Dysplastic Kidney, you have a 1 in 4 chance of having reflux. Well, Tanner is that 1 in 4 person (seriously, this little guy better be the best behaved teenager, after all we are going through with him now, lol!!) However, the dr said that it is a very "low grade" reflux and in 80% of this low grade kind, it goes away on it's own, not requiring surgery. He really wasn't too concerned, and said he had never done surgery on this level of reflux. So we are praying and believing that it WILL go away on it's own.

Tanner was SUCH a trooper today...getting poked, examined, bugged, catheterized...he was such a champ. Mommy was pretty teary at times, but managed to hold it together...just!

Please keep up your prayers for our little miracle!

My Precious Little Boy...

2009-06-11T15:06:00.000-07:00

It has been so long since I have posted on here! We have had a wonderful addition to our family in this time :)

Tanner Michael Koepke was born at 8:17am, Tuesday, June 2nd, weighing 8 lbs 5 0z and 21.5 inches long. Born with a head of light brown hair and looking so much like his older sister looked when she was born!

It was a wonderful birth and labor. With all the stress and emotions of this pregnancy, when we went through uncertain times if we would even get to meet the little one growing inside me, it was such a miracle and a sweet relief to meet this precious little boy.

He is a cuddler, a mellow little guy (unless he's hungry, dirty diaper or tired) and has already completely enraptured our hearts. He is peeing great (not something you normally brag over, but peeing is a sign of good kidney health).

We have an appt with a pediatric urologist on June 30th. They will do a repeat ultrasound of his kidneys, as well as a procedure known as VCUG where they will test the GOOD kidney to see if there is any reflux (Basically, to see that everything is functioning fine on that side). So please pray!

But honestly, we are so blessed with our precious son. He fills our hearts. Sophie loves him so much and is so proud to be a big sister.

It's out of our control

2009-03-08T21:44:00.000-07:00

As a pretty control freak/everything in it's place/routine/scheduled/OCD type person, one can say that I function well when things are in order. I can do okay with change, surprisingly, as long as it is anticipated, planned, and well thought-out.

It is funny how different things happen to "throw off" the balance of "control" in one's life. It seems there are so many areas right now where I have NO CONTROL, and honestly, that is a scary place for me. Maybe my own insecurities, but "letting go and leaving it in God's hands" is something that I have to battle DAILY.

Right now, I really feel like this in a lot of areas. With my job: hearing all these reports of budget cuts and how dismal and horrible the future looks, but not yet knowing EXACTLY what that will entail for me and my family is really tough. With my pregnancy: This "waiting game" of "what's going on with the baby's kidney" is soooooo tough. There are days when I feel SO strong, and my faith in God is so high. Then there are days, like today, when I just feel so "out of control" about it all...there is nothing I can do, BUT pray and trust, and wait on the Lord. So hard for me...I just want to know!

Then, there is Chris and Stephanie. This amazing couple who I have only met once or twice but who are good friends with a good friend of mine. They are going through something right now that I couldn't possibly even phathom...the loss of their infant daughter. But even amidst this horrible time, when things are "out of their control", they are finding their rest and peace in GOD alone. Such an example that I know I need to follow.

Check out their journey here

Cadbury, how I love thee...

2009-03-04T21:04:00.000-08:00

Well, it has hit...my yearly obsession with ANYTHING Cadbury chocolate, but most especially, Cadbury mini eggs. Oh man, they are hitting the spot lately! People must think I'm weird, or obsessed, about the amount of time that I spend talking about Cadbury Mini eggs. So I'll change my tune :)

This weekend I was up in Canada visiting Daddy dearest. I took a break from the Cadbury mini eggs and instead enjoyed wonderful delicacies such as Cadbury Caramilk chocolate bar (a yummy concoction, chocolate with soft caramel centers, in a bar form) and Cadbury Aero bars (bubbly chocolate :) )

Sigh...this happened to me when I was pregnant with Sophie too...eating and craving so much chocolate this time of pregnancy that I didn't know what to do with myself. Well, that is besides EAT it...This easter candy thing is pretty tough. With Sophie, I had my biggest weight gain during the month leading up to easter, b/c of all the cadbury mini eggs I consumed. I don't think this next pregnancy is shaping up to be any different, LOL

This one TAKES the cake....oh my WORD!!

2009-02-27T21:31:00.000-08:00

I HAVE to post this one.....from Babycenter:

Swallowed Chewing Gum!!! Scared!!! (this was the subject of her post...below is what she said IN her post)

I'm 22 weeks 6 days and I accidentally swallowed my chewing gum today!! I'm scared it's gonna harm my baby. Anyone had this problem??

I'm sorry, I just can't stop laughing.....seriously???

Off to the motherland...

2009-02-27T21:18:00.000-08:00

Sophie and I are off early tomorrow for a trip home to Canada. I have not been there since June after my grandma died. I'm used to going up there at least 3 times a year, but didn't make it for Christmas this year as we were in Montana.

So just Sophie and I headed up. It's only about a 5.5 hr drive...and I figure that Sophie did awesome on a 12 hour trip to Montana, so I'm hoping for good things on our trip tomorrow. I'm just so excited to be "taking off" and going somewhere again. I used to do weekend trips up to Canada all the time in college. I miss that independence of mine sometimes, that "free spirit" to just take off when I feel like it.

I am looking forward to getting together with my cuz Tracy and her 2 little darlings, Ruby and Roxy. Ruby and Sophie are 8 mths apart (Tracy and I are 6 mths apart) and I just wish we lived closer so they could have the kind of relationship Tracy and I did (grew up blocks away from each other).

Also, going to hit up the local White Spot (incredible Canadian restaurant)...will try to get there at least twice in my 3 evenings there.

Au Revoir!

Are you FREAKING Serious????

2009-02-19T20:43:00.000-08:00

So, after my blog the other day, where I talked about how I wish I could stay home and not have to work anymore and how I'm feeling STUCK in my job, well, there's more GOOD NEWS.

The WONDERFUL governor of Oregon has declared today that he would like all teachers to, ahem, get ready for this, WORK FOR FREE THIS SPRING in order to save the state money b/c of massive budget cuts. Cutting days would hurt the kids (YES, I agree), but working for free?? I am livid.

Echoing what my friend Janelle said in her blog, I feel like this is a huge slap in the face. The HOURS I pour into my job, the HOURS of unpaid time I give to my job, and now, "please work for free?"

If I could add up how much money out of my own pocket I spend on my classroom over the past 7 years, or the times when students don't bring lunch money and I buy snacks/lunch for them out of my own pocket, it would be a huge amount. I go to school and take classes, and spend LOTS of my own personal money to further my professional growth so I can be a better teacher b/c that's what I WANT to be, and then this? Why am I doing this?

Yes, I love teaching and I'm "in it for the kids"...but after taking SO MUCH crap over the years, being totally underappreciated (but still doing the best that I can and WANTING to be a better teacher all the time), this just makes me feel undervalued all the more.

I WON'T DO IT. I'm sorry...It's a HORRIBLE precedent to set to say "yes this is okay". I've done this before with my own job, when I come in on my own time and not get paid, and now it becomes "expected" of you. I'm NOT DOING THIS!

Husbands...

2009-02-19T20:23:00.000-08:00

How well do you know your husband?

1. What's he doing right now? At music practice at church

2. You’re out to eat. What kind of dressing does he get on his salad? Ranch

3. What is one food he doesn’t like? Cinnamon :)

4. You go out to the bar. What does he order? Pop :) (doesn't drink)

5. Where did he go to high school? Valley Christian School

6. What size shoe does he wear? 10.5

7. If he was to collect anything, what would it be? guitar picks, LOL

8. What is his favorite type of sandwich? PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY (his "staple")

9. What would the Husband eat every day if he could? PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICHES

10. What is his favorite cereal? Grape nuts

11. What would he never wear? pink

12. What is his favorite sports team? Montana Grizzlies

13. Who is his best friend? me

14. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn’t do? spend so much time on the computer!!

15. Who did he vote for in the last election? McCain

16. How many states has he lived in? 3

17. What is his heritage? German and Welsh

18. You bake him a cake for his birthday; what kind? Oreo ice cream cake

19. Did he play sports in high school? Tennis

20. What could he spend hours doing? playing music

I'm having a moment...

2009-02-18T20:30:00.000-08:00

It's been one of those days, or weeks where I am so incredibly sad that I have to work :( I have had so much fun with Sophie lately, going out and doing things like storytime, gymnastics, or just hanging out at home. It has been so enjoyable and Sophie is at this super fun stage right now of just being so much fun. The thought of going to work tomorrow (even for a 2 day week) is making me dissolve in tears.

I've even gotten as far as to mentally start making a list in my head of what we could do so that I didn't have to work...and haven't gotten very far, because at this point, not working is not really an option. We could sell our house, but in this day and market, we'd be losing so much money that it's not worth it.

Do you ever just feel "stuck"?? That no matter what you do, you are in this trapped place? I am so thankful for a job during this scary economic time. But when my wish and desire is to be at home and at this point there doesn't seem to be a logical way to do that, it just makes me so sad...And when my job just makes me so incredibly stressed that I come home a mental case, is that healthy?

A few more zingers

2009-02-18T20:24:00.000-08:00

Okay, just have to add a few more "great questions/comments" from the baby site I check out...

1. Is it okay to get a chair massage at 23 weeks?

2. Anyone else NOT getting a new car? -- Umm, are you supposed to get new cars when you have a baby? missed that memo.

3. My prenatals are discontinued!!!! -- this girl was so troubled over this...

4. Can we have a natural birth without taking classes? -- sigh...

Because Rhonda asked...

2009-02-12T20:40:00.000-08:00

So after Rhonda asked me to post new pictures of Sophie, it reminded me that it has been awhile since I've posted pics of my little monkey. So here are some new ones from the past few weeks.

Reading---she got her love of reading from Mommy!

Beautiful day at the park!

Bath time!

Are these people for real?!?!

2009-02-10T15:05:00.000-08:00

I have to say that I tend to be a very logical thinker. I try to apply common sense to all areas of my life. Whether that is in big decisions or little things along the way.

Like I did when I was pregnant with Sophie, I go on "Babycenter.com" and am a part of a birthclub there of other women due in June. It's a good place to go for questions etc about the pregnancy/child bearing, etc. Obviously this is my 2nd pregnancy, but it's still fun to be a part of a group of a ton of women going through the same things you are.

However, there have been some posts on there lately that make me ask, "Are you for real?" Common sense people...here are a few of my favorites:

1. "HELP. I ate a spoonful of cream cheese icing I found from New Years."---this girl was freaked out that she poisoned her baby.

2. "Is cheesecake okay to eat?"

3. "Frequent ultrasounds... is it dangerous?"

4. "I am going to pick up my crib today. I have no IDEA what type of mattress to buy. I know firm but how many coils should it have and whats the best.. I am so confused.."

5. "Can back pain mean you are losing the baby?"

6. "Are heated back massagers safe?"

I'll be sure to post more of my "faves" when new ones appear :)

so I disappeared for awhile....

2009-02-10T15:03:00.000-08:00

Okay, so didn't realize that I hadn't posted in 1.5 months!!! Oops! It's been a crazy few months though, with the holidays, the pregnancy, work....I need to get better about blogging again.

So yes, i am pregnant, if you didn't already know that by now! I am 23 weeks pregnant and due on June 9th. We are watching the baby's right kidney right now b/c it shows some cysts, but we are praying and believing that all will be fine!

Snow!

2008-12-21T20:36:00.000-08:00

Well, after a week of snow days that amounted to a few flakes falling, then melting right away, we finally got our snow! I have to say, I LOVE looking outside and seeing everything coated in white. Looks BEAUTIFUL!!! However, after the snow, we got the freezing rain (and then more snow) so everything is coated with ice. Luckily I'm married to a guy from Montana who feels okay driving in the elements so haven't gotten TOO stuck at home. Here are some pictures from the snow today!

Our backyard

Snowdrift! We had strong winds to do this, our windows were creaking like crazy!

Looking down our street from our house

Sophie and Santa

2008-12-16T15:38:00.000-08:00

We went to visit Santa on Monday with our good friends, Jen & Emma, while our school district shut down for a snow day :) Nice to have a day off, especially since us in the 'Couve only got a slight dusting.

Sophie has been SO excited to see Santa. We've been practicing our smiles, talking about what she will ask him for. When we got to the mall and she saw him, she was very excited too! Until I said, "Let's get out of your stroller". Then she turned on the, "No, i don't want to". It took a bit of coaxing, and then when she saw her friend Emma sitting on his lap fine, I think she felt a bit better about it. She still wouldn't smile too much, and we had to do this whole act of going to tickle her to get her to crack a little smile. So here is what we got!

And here are comparison pics of previous years!

Last year--1.5 years old

Her 1st trip to Santa---6 mths old

Exhausted and grumpy...

2008-12-10T21:47:00.000-08:00

wow, it's been over a month since I posted on here! I've thought about it lots, but didn't have the energy. This month has been crazy. SO much going on, between crazy, intense, insane online class I'm taking, being SICK, and Sophie being sick, and having a hard time getting better, irritating things at work that just get me down...argh. Sorry for the vent after so long!

I love Christmas, I love this season. It just seems this year there are so many things going on that get in the way of truly celebrating, and I don't like that. I wish I could do slow-motion on life right now...Things are moving at such a fast pace and it's a bit overwhelming.

Gosh, I just need Christmas break. No more having to think about functional behaviors in kids, or universal screeners, or PLC's, or Thinking Strategies, or the many other hundreds of things that are bogging my mind down at work. I.NEED.A.BREAK.

She has changed so much!

2008-11-01T17:37:00.000-07:00

Here is Sophie, in her 3 years of Halloween memories. She has changed and grown so much!!

1st year---Eeyore

2nd year---Ballerina

3rd year (this year)---Monkey

1st trip to the dentist!

2008-10-13T14:45:00.000-07:00

My girl is getting so big! Today we embarked on a new adventure: her first trip to the dentist!! I remember when my younger sister when to the dentist for the first time when she was 2.5 years old and it was a traumatic experience for her b/c the dentist was so rough with her.

I brought Sophie with me to my dentist appt back in August. She sat and watched the dentist do everything to my teeth. The dentist had her "help" too, by helping push the button for the x-rays and the chair. Sophie was pretty interested in it all, and I think it was a good way to get her introduced to the dentist.

For the past few weeks we've been "playing dentist" and talking a lot about what a dentist does, so Sophie was very excited to go to the dentist today. When she first sat in the chair, she was a bit timid, and wanted to hold my hand. But then they hygienist, Carolyn, gave her a ride up and down in the chair, and Sophie loved that! Then Carolyn showed Sophie all the different instruments they were going to use, like the polisher, the air sucker and the water sprayer and she tried them all out for Sophie.

Can I just saw, I was so incredibly proud of Sophie. She opened her mouth nice and wide, was so compliant and they even got to polish all of her teeth. I couldn't have expected it to go any better. I think it helps that our dentist is WONDERFUL too (anyone need a dentist in Vancouver? Just ask me).

A little nervous, sitting in the dentist chair.

Getting her teeth checked

Getting her teeth polished

The best part...the prize drawer!

I have a sensitive one...

2008-10-09T21:46:00.000-07:00

As Sophie has been growing up so much lately, in every way (growth spurt, vocabulary, understanding of things around her) she has also begun to become very aware of people around her; their moods, their feelings, and the way they treat her. We will be in the store and she will smile at a man, and if he does not smile back, she looks at me with sad eyes and says "Man don't like me". Ugh, makes my heart feel so sad today.

Well, this morning as I drop Sophie off at her wonderful baby-sitters, and get ready to leave for my day at work, another mom drops off her daughter. Sophie was so excited to see her (she's 1.5 years older than her and Sophie watches everything she does). Lately, this girl has not been giving Sophie the time of day. In fact, she is constantly putting Sophie down and being really rude and snotty to her. So this morning when Sophie goes running up to her to say hi, this girl notices Sophie's shirt, which has a little light that is flashing on it (a fun "Halloween" shirt). The little girl goes "that is neat! Hey Sophie, want to color with me?" Sophie turns to look at me with the hugest eyes and biggest smile and says "Mommy, (girl's name) is happy with me today!" I about cried. My poor litle girl who has endured this other girls taunts for awhile now, still thrives on that "Acceptance". It was the best thing in the world for her to be "accepted" by this other girl, and instead of being picked on, to be loved.

Sigh, I know it's only the beginning of all the hurt feelings and friendship issues and disappointments Sophie will have, and I definitely wish I could shield her from all hurt and pain, b/c as neat as it is to see her grow and all the new things she's doing, I also know that it opens her heart up to more pain and hurt. It's hard being a "Mama"...As my good friend Jen definitely heard from me, as I cried to her about this today at lunch, LOL

I did it for you, Brenda

2008-09-24T21:53:00.000-07:00

This past Sunday, I participated in an event that I had always heard about, and thought was really neat, but had never participated in it myself. I am talking about the Susan B. Komen Race for the Cure event that they have all over the nation. I decided, back in July, that this was something that I really wanted to do this year. Now, don't forget, that I am NOT a runner. Yes, they have different events, like the walks, but for some reason, I decided that I was going to participate in the 5K women's run. I started training for it, little bits at a time. I remember when 60 seconds of running KILLED me. Then slowly I started to do more and more. I felt ready for my run on Sunday.

What I didn't expect during my run, was how emotional I would be. A run is a run, right? Wrong. While I was running, I was seeing women all around me who had pink "breast cancer survivor" hats, or people with "in memory of____" or "in celebration of ____" papers on their backs. All these people running or participating in the event have somehow been touched by breast cancer. I didn't have a pink paper on my back (I didn't know you could have them?) but if I could have, mine would have read "In Memory of Brenda Daehn". That's who I ran the race for today.

Let me tell you about my dear friend, Brenda. I met Brenda when I was an 18 year old freshan college student at Portland Bible College. I was working in the church office, and she would come in with her 2 year old daughter and make copies. During this time we began to chat a bit and get to know each other. I had the awesome opportunity to travel to Europe with Brenda and her family, and work as a nanny for her then, 2 daughters. Being so close with her day in and day out, I saw what an amazing woman she was. A woman who weathered heartache after heartache (a few miscarriages, and a stillborn son at full term), but still had a sweetness of her spirit.

Brenda and 9 month old Carissa, at a cafe in Holland, summer 2001.

In England, summer 2001

Right after our Europe trip, Brenda found out she was pregnant with her 3rd child. Around 3 months before Brenda's baby was due, she found a lump and they discovered that she had breast cancer, stage 4. It was such an awful time. They waited 2 months and then enduced her so she could start chemo right after her 3rd daughter was born. Thus began a 5 year battle with breast cancer.

Brenda and I at my wedding, May 2002.

Me, Brenda and her precious girls at my wedding, May 2002

Brenda and her family visiting me at the hospital after Sophie was born, May 2006

During those 5 years, there were so many ups and downs. Times when you just KNEW she had "Beat it". But then came the devestating news that it had come back full force. On March 19, 2007, Brenda passed away. She left behind her husband, Brian, and 3 daughters, Destiny (9), Carissa (6) and Tori (4).

Brenda may be gone but she has touched my life in ways that I never imagined. I still think of her daily and remember her beautiful smile, her encouraging words after I was dealing with a colicky infant, and how, no matter how sick she was, she always asked first, how I was doing.

Brenda, I ran for you on Sunday. I miss you incredibly and pray that one day soon we can find a cure for this horrible disease. I love you!

Me, after the Race for the cure run on Sunday

I need a hishnue please

2008-09-20T19:26:00.000-07:00

Sophie just cracks me up. This morning, this is what I wake up to:

Sophie: Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy
(I enter her room)
Sophie: Oh hi Mommy! I sick. I have boogies.
Me: oh no!
Sophie: I need the boogie thing (boogie sucker we used on her when she was a baby) and a hishnue.
Me: What is a hishnue?
Sophie: A HISHNUE!
Me: What is that?
Sophie: You know, a hishnue (and then she puts her fingers around her nose and pretends to blow).
Me: OH, you need a TISSUE!
Sophie: Yes, A Hishnue

LOL. So now that's what we call tissues around our house...Hishnues!

Minnesota weekend

2008-09-18T20:16:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I had the opportunity to fly to Minnesota for a friend's wedding. While there, I got to hang out with 8 other of my great girl friends :) We had so much fun going shopping at the Albertville outlets, eating at Buca, going to the "Shout House" dueling pianos bar, the wedding, and going to the sculpture gardens in Minneapolis. It was so nice having a girls weekend, and I wish we didn't live so far away from each other!

Mir, Me, Val, and Ann at Buca

Ann and I on the way to the outlets

Me, Kari, Cec, Azz at the hotel before the wedding

Kari and I at the wedding

Me with the 2 gorgeous preggo ladies, Mir and Cec

The honorary bridesmaids with Kristin

Copying from Janelle.....My amazing co-workers!!!

2008-09-04T21:12:00.001-07:00

Click HERE to see some of the WONDERFUL people I work with!! I am included on here, not sure why I am the only person with flaming red eyes though!

Thanks Janelle for taking pictures of that fun day, LOL!

First Day of School!

2008-09-03T21:11:00.000-07:00

It was the first day of the school year today! I took good ole Tylenol PM last night to help me sleep, since my sleep record on the night before school tends to be 0/6 so far. Not fun starting the 1st day of school on no sleep, so this year, I felt plenty rested!

The kids came in slowly and so quietly. I've never had kids come in that quiet before! It almost felt "weird" LOL, since the last 2 years, from the first day of school, they were a noisy bunch. But it went well!! Probably one of the better 1st days of school I've ever had. Maybe b/c only 19 showed up? Who knows, but it felt good. I definitely have a few firecrackers who I KNOW will keep me on my toes for sure, but the overall feel of the group is that it's a good one. I have a few parents who really want to be involved too, which is great since the last 3 years, I have had a major lack of parent involvement.

So we will see what tomorrow holds. Hoping today was not just a "fluke", but a sign of how this year will be.

Countdown

2008-08-30T12:39:00.000-07:00

Yah, so it's been awhile. I guess I really did take a "summer break", LOL. So busy this summer and just enjoying my little girl so much. But now back to work..

I have to say, as much as I LOVE having 2 months off in the summer, having that long break and trying to get motivated to go back to work after that is really hard. I was DREADING going back to work this week and leaving Sophie. I have loved being at home with her so much this summer. She's become my "buddy" and I love just "her and me" time.

Tuesday, my first day back to work. I was DREADING it. But you know, wasn't so bad. Yes, it was 8 hours of listening to some lady talk about herself, but it's so funny how quickly you fit back into your "work mode".
Wednesday, meeting with the whole district, listening to our superintendent talk us up, then put us down. But then spent the rest of the day in my classroom setting up.

I'm starting off this year teaching full time since my teaching partner is still on her maternity leave until mid-October. The thought of teaching full time again, after not doing it for 2.5 years is a bit scary! But I'm also really looking forward to it. The last 2 years just about killed me. I am looking forward to a "Fresh start" and a new group of kids.

So on Wednesday, when the kids come in with their new supplies and with that excitement and nervousness in their steps, I will match those same feelings!

So hard to understand WHY...

2008-07-30T21:08:00.000-07:00

I found out today that some friends from church who were expecting their first child in October, lost their baby today. Erica was nearly 7 months along and hadn't felt her baby move in a few days. They found out this morning that the baby died.

My heart is just grieving for Nate and Erica. What they must be going through right now. I suffered an early miscarriage at 10 weeks before Sophie was born, but to go through most of your pregnancy and to have this happen, it just is so tragic.

I have had a few friends go through losses like this lately and it's hard to know the words to say, or even the thoughts to think. There is just so much confusion and wondering "why".

Please keep Nate and Erica in your prayers tonight as she is delivering her son, and in the next days/weeks/months ahead...

She did it!

2008-07-24T14:01:00.000-07:00

Update---

Sophie had a wonderful first night in her crib with no railing on. She was so excited to get into her bed that I was worried she'd have a party all night. But she slept GREAT! I heard her this morning, singing and talking like she normally does in the morning before I go get her, and sure enough, there she was, sitting in her bed rocking her "sleep bear". When she saw me, she said, "Can I get out now?" Oh, I hope that lasts.

Here is a picture of her from when I went to go get her this morning.

What a big girl...

2008-07-23T21:19:00.001-07:00

Tonight is Sophie's first night in a "big girl bed". I can't believe how grown up my little girl is! We decided to take the railing off her bed tonight and see how she does. With all our travels, Sophie has done so awesome, no matter where she sleeps. On the floor, on an air mattress, on a bed. She goes to sleep fine, wakes up fine and stays in her bed...oh great, that probably just jinxed it! LOL. We thought we'd try it and see how she does. We are in no rush to get her out of it, so not pushing it.

I still remember our first night home from the hospital, when I put Sophie in her crib, all swaddled up and she took up a tiny portion of her crib. Now, I go look at her sleeping and she takes up the majority of it. How time flies.

Sophie was so incredibly excited to sleep in her "big girl bed". She talked and sang for awhile when she went down, but all is quiet now. We'll see how she does!

Back from Paradise

2008-07-12T14:00:00.001-07:00

Well, we are home from Hawaii! And like the title says, it was wonderful! We had beautiful weather everyday, spent our mornings at the beach, afternoons at the pool, and just enjoyed having "rest". We also did a bunch of walking and shopping, we took Sophie to the zoo, which she LOVED, and Jeremy, Kelly, Pamela and I hiked Diamond Head. It was pretty hard to say good-bye to it!

Sophie was just the most wonderful little traveler. She did great on the airplane, LOVED the sand and water and was also sad to leave. Since we have been home, she has said at numerous times "I miss Hawaii", or "I miss Palm trees". Ahhhh, a girl after my own heart.

It was so neat to take Sophie to a place that holds so many wonderful memories for me. I went to Hawaii for the 1st time in utero, and celebrated my first 3 birthdays in Hawaii. I loved getting to see Sophie love it and experience Hawaii for the first time. She officially has Hawaii blood in her now.

Potty training

2008-06-27T14:37:00.000-07:00

oh the joys of potty training! It is in full swing at the Koepke house! After a busy school year, and a crazy week of travel last week, I figured this would be as good of a week as any to start full-fledged potty training. Sophie has been going on the potty for a few months now, here and there, but I wasn't really focussed on it. Now I am!

So we only have her in panties...she chose some pretty Cinderella ones, and some Hello Kitty ones. I went and bought a bunch of generic kind because of how many we are going through :)

She is not telling us when she needs to go yet, so I just have a timer and everytime it "dings" she gets to sit on the potty. She is doing pretty well and I am so proud of her. I have had to clean a few icky poops but besides that, she is getting the hang of it. I am so proud of her!

Grandma

2008-06-25T14:48:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've posted on here. I thought with me being done teaching, I would have PLENTY of time to come on here and play, give updates everyday or something like that, but that hasn't materialized yet.

On Father's day, at 5am, I got a call from my sister, telling me that my Grandma was in the hospital, she had had a stroke and was bleeding in her brain. Totally shocked me. By the evening, she had died. My grandma, who just the day before, had been making a big pot of soup, and talking about getting the carpet torn out, was gone. I hadn't seen her face to face since Christmas, so to me, it felt really surreal.

We headed up to Canada on Thursday, went to the viewing that night, then the burial on Friday, than the memorial service on Saturday. The whole time thinking, has this really happened? At my grandma's house, I just expected to see her sitting on the couch, like she always did during our many visits together when I was up from Portland.

The service on Saturday was such an amazing celebration of an even more amazing woman. My grandma, Olga Rubuliak, was such a fervent lover of God and an amazing prayer warrior. She prayed every single day for every single child, grand children and great grand children that she had, individually. So, that is 6 children, 10 grand children and 17 great grandchildren.

This world has lost a precious jewel in my grandma, but without a shadow of a doubt, I know that I will see her again. I love you grandma and miss you so much.

Grandma and Sophie, August 2007

Grandma and Sophie, Christmas

I survived! (well, so far)

2008-06-07T15:42:00.000-07:00

All year, since I knew my teaching partner was pregnant and would take the last few weeks off of school to rest before her baby was born, I have known that I would go full-time. To tell you the truth, that thought has FREAKED me out! This year has been a really tough one for us in the classroom, dealing with so many behavior/mental health issues, and often, my 2 or 3 days a week feels like it'll put me over the edge sometime. So, I was all ready to hit these last 2 weeks...put on my army boots, roll up my sleeves, and hit it hard.

In all honesty, it actually wasn't that bad! In some ways it was "easier" (in the classroom at least). I had a whole week to connect with the kids, I planned my own days, I didn't have to leave my classroom spic and span for my teaching partner to get back to, on Monday. It was actually a lot of fun!! I have also realized that teaching at the end of the week is way harder than the beginning of the week. There is one girl who always seems to act up more behavior wise for me, than my teaching partner, and it frustrated me b/c I really don't feel that I do anything any differently with her, than my teaching partner does. Well, on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, this girl did really well in the classroom. On Thursday, she was so off. I do have to say, it made me feel better to know that it's not "me" but perhaps just how she is at the end of the week.

So I did it, I enjoyed it, let's see if I can keep up my energy for this next week, the last week of school. (Just don't look at my house....I don't know how all you full time working momma's do it all...my house is definitely showing my absence...)

Viva Las Vegas!

2008-06-04T21:20:00.001-07:00

Well, my Las Vegas trip was last weekend and I had SUCH an awesome time! It was so much fun to have a "girls" weekend, and get to meet some of my "imaginary friends". I love them! We had such a good time and honestly, it was hard to come home, even though I missed Jeremy and Sophie a lot.

From hanging out by the pool and going in the subzero temperature water (poor Cecile froze Baby Star), to walking all over the strip, eating a ton, people watching, buying outrageously expensive water (I think I was the only one in Vegas buying water and not alcohol, LOL), Margaritaville, the Wax Museum, The Bank at the Bellagio...so much fun!! It is amazing what a few days with friends AND in the sun does for my mood!

Thank you RMs for such a great weekend!

She cracks me up!

2008-05-27T13:39:00.000-07:00

Sophie is just a hoot. We are constantly laughing (or trying not to) whenever she is around. The stuff she comes up with is hilarious. Here are some of things that have come from her mouth lately.

1. "Baby no!! Time out"....a second later "I sorry, I forgive you"

2. EWWW! Baby poo poo stinky!

3. Mommy, where are oo? (where are you)....she says this as she walks around the house looking for me.

4. Mommy, cheese sandich peas? (cheese sandwich please?---she loves those things)

5. Silly Fophie!!

6. "Mr. Sun, pease shine down on me" (she calls the sun "Mr. Golden Sun whenever she sees it)

7. Peas can I have something? (Please )

8. I hear something!

She is such a little chatterbox. She walks around the house talking on her "phone"...laughing, pausing, saying "okay, bye bye". So fun :)

Before and After...

2008-05-20T22:06:00.000-07:00

Well, I am finally going to post pictures of "before" and "after".

After I had Sophie, I lost most of the baby weight pretty quickly. I was 6 pounds away from my pre baby weight at the 6 week check up....then I blame it on Post partum depression, and birth control, but I gained back 15 more pounds.

It's been a long road, but today, I am 30 pounds down from where I was when Sophie was 6 months old. Here are a couple of pictures.

Here is me at Christmas 2006, with 7 month old Sophie.

And here is me this past weekend, at a dinner banquet with Jeremy...30 pounds less.

Just sit still and smile....simple, right???

2008-05-20T21:12:00.001-07:00

So today Sophie and I ventured out to get her 2 year pictures taken at Kiddie Kandids. I have taken her there 2 times before (at 9 months and 1 year) and have had WONDERFUL experiences there and have gotten beautiful pictures. So the whole way in the car, I kept saying to Sophie "show me your smile" and of course she'd do her super cheesy smile. She was all silly and giggly and went running into the store, so excited.

Then we get to the actual "stage" where she is supposed to sit. The photographer, who was GREAT, was getting the background ready and Sophie freaked out. She watched the background roll down and kept saying "what's that? what's that?" with a worried look on her face. The photographer tried to move Sophie over a bit and Sophie yells "No!!". She kept jerking her arm away from the photographer and frowning and glaring at her when she'd try to get her to smile. She tickled Sophie's feet with the tickle thing (the big fluffy thing you use for dusting), and Sophie yells "Don't!". The photographer gives her a cute little umbrella/parasol to hold which makes Sophie smile, until the photographer tries to angle it a bit, and then Sophie jerks it around, mad, and almost hits the photographer with it....so much for compliant.

Nothing is working....all I want is 1 nice pose, 1 little smile, nothing is working. My happy little girl is a grump and getting worse by the minute. But in comes a little baby with it's mom. Sophie's eyes lit up and she was just so interested in this baby. The mom and the baby came right up to the camera with the photographer (when they saw how interested Sophie was in her) and the photographer started tickling the baby or getting the baby involved to make Sophie smile. And you know what happened? This...

Sophie's 2nd birthday party

2008-05-10T21:39:00.000-07:00

We had Sophie's 2nd birthday party tonight. We had mostly family over, and a couple friends. Sophie has been sooooooo excited for her birthday party. She has been talking about it constantly. When people started arriving for it tonight, she was soooooo excited.

We had a fun time. I'm bummed that the weather wasn't nicer, but luckily the kids were able to get outside and have bubbles for awhile before the rain started.

I think back to 1 year ago, at Sophie's 1st birthday party, where she was just crawling around. She really didn't "get" the concept of presents and wasn't too interested in them actually. This year, she was running around everywhere, eating at her princess table, not the highchair this time. She knew just what to do with the candles on her cake and ate her cake with a fork. She was so excited to open presents. I just look at her an am amazed at how much she has grown up, my precious little girl.

It's my birthday

2008-05-08T21:40:00.000-07:00

So today is my birthday!! I used to be the BIGGEST fan of birthdays. I love to do fun things for others on their birthdays, and love to be treated special on mine. I always have. On years where things have been "low key", I have been bummed. I am not the kind of person who likes being the center of attention usually, but 1 day a year, yah, I'll take that.

I had to go to work this morning...the last few years I've taken my birthday off of work. So it felt like a normal day. Jeremy was a sweetie though and decorated the kitchen area with streamers and had breakfast ready for me. My kids were very excited that it was my birthday and I got lots of cards and a beautiful rose.

I don't know, but for some reason, this is the first year that I feel "old". 28 doesn't sound very "young" anymore (to me, that is. I'm sure in 10-20 years I'll be like, "man, oh to be 28 again". I guess it's because it's not the "mid twenties" anymore, but "late twenties". I still view myself as a child. I see kids in college, freshmen even, and think of myself as their age.

I think I inherited this "don't want to grow up" gene from my dad. He is 61 and looks about 15 years younger, works out still and is in good shape. I hope I"m like that!

Overall, it was a good day. Not like birthdays of old, but nothing bad :) Just getting old

6 things

2008-05-08T21:28:00.000-07:00

I was tagged by Amber!

6 Things

The main topic is to share six unimportant things about myself and then to tag six other people to do the same thing.

Here are the rules:
1. Link back to the person who tagged you.
2. Post these rules on your blog.
3. Share six unimportant things about yourself.
4. Tag six random people at the end of your entry

So...Here is 6 things you probably did not need to know about me.

1) I have lost nearly 25 pounds in the past 6 months.

2) I spend WAY too much time on the computer with my imaginary friends :)

3) I never thought I would want to be a full-time stay at home mom, but I wish I could do that SOOOO badly.

4) I never thought I would enjoy working out 4-5x a week like I have been lately...but I love it and when I don't work out, I feel bad!

5) I went through pretty bad Post partum depression after Sophie was born. I still deal with major anxiety issues, never had them before being a teacher.

6) Some of my very best friends in the world, are those that I have met on the internet... some would say sad, I say AMAZING!

Here are my six people...

Katt, Deanna, Alexa, Jennifer, Michelle, Jocelyn

Tagged by Katt

2008-05-08T21:11:00.000-07:00

4 Jobs I have had in my life:
1. Receptionist at my church
2. office assistant in the Registrar's office at Concordia University
3. payroll clerk for Dairy Queen
4. 1st/3rd grade teacher

4 Movies I’ve Watched More Than Once:
1. You've Got Mail
2. 13 Going on 30
3. Sweet Home Alabama
4. How to Lose a Guy in 10 days

4 Places I’ve Lived:
1. Richmond, BC, Canada
2. Vancouver, Washington
3. Dorms at portland Bible College
4. Aunt Donna's house in Portland, Oregon

4 TV Shows I Watch/Watched:
1. LOST
2. Survivor
3. Biggest Loser
4. Prison Break

4 Places I have Been:
1. Hawaii
2. Scotland
3. Holland
4. Romania

4 People who email me regularly:
1. Claire
2. Kelly
3. Katt
4. Aimee

4 of my favorite foods:
1. Pizza
2. ice cream
3. brownies
4. cookies

4 Places I Would Like to Visit:
1. More of Europe! (Germany, Switzerland, France)
2. My friends in Minnesota!!!
3. North and South Carolina
4. Hawaii again

4 Things I am Looking Forward to in the Coming Year:
1. Sophie's 2nd birthday
2. My Vegas girls weekend!
3. Hawaii in July
4. Hitting my goal

4 Friends who I’m Tagging:
1. Melissa
2. Janelle
3. Jennifer
4. Jocelyn

Countdown to Vegas...

2008-05-04T12:52:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you that I am SOOOOOO excited about an upcoming trip of mine to Vegas...sans Jeremy and sans Sophie. I am meeting up with some of my "imaginary" friends for a girls weekend at the end of May and I am so excited!!

It really has been SO long since I've hung out on my own with friends. I used to love girls weekends before Sophie was here, and I think I've been missing them! The thought of sun, warm weather, relaxation, sleeping in, pool, etc., ahhhh....it can't come soon enough.

Cecile, Stephanie, Valerie, Mir, KB (and Bella)---can't wait to meet you!~

Field Trip

2008-05-02T12:44:00.001-07:00

Oh field trips...kids love them, teachers dread them. It seems at this time of the year, there are a slew of field trips coming up.

Today, we went on our 3rd field trip in 3 weeks. We went to see the Oregon Symphony perform at the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall. What a beautiful place! You could tell that these kids had never been to anything even remotely like this before. I enjoyed listening to the music, but felt like my head was going to explode the whole time. It is hard to be sick as a teacher. The thought of taking a sick day crossed my mind, but didn't want to send a poor sub on a field trip!

The most interesting part of the day was the conversations I had with some of the kids in the bus on the way home from the play. The one girl that I sat next to is an interesting character. She has had a tough life for one so young and exhibits this horrible attitude all the time. However, sitting with her and talking to her on the bus, I got to see behind that hard outer shell and see the little girl she still is. She talked about how her dad was going to jail today and how sad she was and how much she'd miss him. However, she told me she is used to it b/c he's had to go to jail before.

Another little boy was talking to me about getting his ear pierced. How his dad iced his ear and then used a fork to pierce a hole in his ear lobe. (At this point, I wasn't feeling very well).

It's just so eye opening to me, still, even after 6 1/2 years of teaching at my school, what my kids go through. I can not even fathom some of the things that go on at home.

It has been a tough year for me, both work related and emotionally. I wonder often what the heck I'm doing.

But after a day like today, when I see kids experience things they never have, or open up for just a moment and I see a glimpse of that little child, sometimes, it feels worth it.

Just one of 'em days...

2008-04-30T20:24:00.000-07:00

Sigh....

So I should have known that today would be a crazy day, by how my night went. Took a Tylenol Pm last night to help me sleep b/c I wasn't feeling well. Well, instead of putting me to sleep like it normally does, I was up most of the night. Felt crappy this morning but still went to work.

My kids came in yelling and noisy. My breakfast wagon never made it to class which threw the whole morning routine off.

Probably 50% of my kids were complaining about some "ailment" they had. I heard 1) my jaw is hurting, 2) My leg hurts (yah, well maybe if you didn't get out of your seat every 2 minutes it wouldn't be hurting), and 3) (the best one I think), I think my wrist is broken. (my response was "oh really? what happened?) Answer -- I banged it on my desk.

I'm just in a funk or something...I'm tired, I'm cranky, I'm stuffed up, head pounding...I just feel irritable and I hate that. Thanks to my friend Janelle, who helped me out big time today (I luv ya!), I went home a little more relieved.

I picked Sophie up at the baby sitters, she seemed happy to see me. I put her in her carseat and handed her her milk (like I do everyday) and she chucks it at me, sending milk all over the place...grr.

It's 8:30, I should go to bed...I made sub plans for tomorrow, but will probably go in. It's more stressful for me NOT to go in, especially with how my kids terrorize the subs...

She's growing up....

2008-04-14T21:24:00.000-07:00

I don't know when it happened, but sometime between here and there, Sophie grew up. Was it an overnight thing? Sometimes I think it was. I just look at her and realize she is no longer a baby.

Maybe it's the way she "takes care of" her dolls and her babies, rocking them to sleep, or changing their diapers. Maybe it's the way she asks for "Mommy cuddles" and then looks at me and says "I lub you". Maybe it's seeing her flip through books and singing "ABC's".

Honestly, the first few months having Sophie were so hard. I had no clue what I was doing, and I was a sobbing hormonal emotional mess. On top of just getting used to being a first time mom, I had to deal with elements such as thrush, sensitive baby, colicky baby, severe acid refluxy baby, PPD, and baby who doesn't like to sleep much during the day. I didn't think I'd make it, and often wondered what we had gotten ourselves into.

I look at Sophie now and cannot imagine my life without her. I am constantly laughing by her many antics. She outgrew the reflux, outgrew the colicky, learned to sleep well, and grew into quite a happy little girl. If I knew it would be like this, those first few months probably would have been more bearable.

Happy 23 months Sophie! Can't believe you are almost 2!

20weeks, in utero

10 months

18 months old

Today---23 months old

A bunch of randomness

2008-04-10T21:51:00.000-07:00

Don't really feel like I have much to blog on, so I'll just share some randoms of my life right now.

Sophie loves to sing. Her new favorite songs are "Baby Booga" (translated--Baby Beluga), and "mr. Sun" (Oh Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun). She goes around the house singing these songs.

I am getting my hair cut on Monday. Probably just a trim, maybe some more layers, but definitely bangs again. My forehead is just way too big without them.

I have lost 20 pounds since Thanksgiving. I got my butt in gear (literally) and have been counting calories, but also working out at the gym 4-5 days a week and the pounds have been coming off. It is soooo nice and I'm feeling so good.

My "kids" (ie, the 26 loud ones I see 3 days a week) are seriously turning my hair grey. I think it's just the 3rd really tough year for me in a row, but it's seriously making me crazy. I don't know if I can do this job for 30 years.

Jeremy is going to be super busy this month. He is a part of the Live CD recording we are doing at our church on April 27th, so he has rehearsals 5 days a week, including Friday evenings and Saturday during the day. But it is a short season, and such a cool thing to be involved in.

Well, that's all for me for now. Hope I'll feel motivated to start blogging more again...

Spring Break???

2008-03-28T14:18:00.000-07:00

When I was younger, spring break was a time to run around and play outside, a time to hang out with friends, and have a glimpse of what it would be like during summer vacation when there would be no school. Part of the reason I became a teacher was so that I could still enjoy my "breaks".

Well, I woke up this morning to it snowing. Yes, snowing. Now for some of you, that might not be that odd of an occurrence, but for me, living in the Northwest where we are lucky to get 1 snow day once every 5 years, getting snow on my last day of spring break, when it is March 28th, is not okay.

Come on, it's time for the sun to come out!!

Waiting...

2008-03-25T14:50:00.000-07:00

I'm really not so good at waiting for things. At Christmas, or my birthday, Jeremy has to really hide my gifts well or I will find them. If he tells me he has a surprise for me, I pester him until he tells me out of exasperation (isn't it amazing that I waited till delivery to find out if Sophie was a boy or a girl???)

With that said, I am not good at all at waiting. Maybe it's some of my "control freak/OCD" nature that likes to have everything "just so". You'd think I would have learned by now, at my ripe old age of 27 that not everything happens in the timing that I want it to. Sigh, I've learned that lesson more than once.

Right now, we are in a season of waiting. It is so hard for me. I want to just know what the future holds and what we'll be doing but nope, will have to wait. I don't have a definite "know by such and such" date so that makes it harder. Grr.

Wish me patience! I need it badly!

Precious Elias James...

2008-03-09T14:41:00.000-07:00

My heart is just breaking for a friend of mine. I have known Ann since my early days of pregnancy. We joined the baby center birth boards around the same time, and were first time moms together. Over the past few months, I've talked to her on the phone a few times, and even though we have never met face to face in real life, I feel close to her. So when I heard about her loss, my heart just broke.

Ann was 28 weeks pregnant with her 2nd baby. She had her ultrasound 2 months ago but had chosen to not find out what she was having. It was neat to have a friend who was going through pregnancy again, and I loved hearing her news after each appointment.

On Wednesday, March 5th, Ann hadn't been feeling her baby move all day. They went in that night to the hospital and found out that their baby had died. The induced labor and little Elias James was delivered on Friday morning.

My heart is just grieving for her so much right now. To be that far along, to have felt your baby move, and then to have lost one so little, just breaks my heart. I know the fragility of life, and how precious it is. What I don't know, is how it feels to hold your child in your arms, to know that you will never hear them laugh, never see them smile, and never experience the joy of watching them grow up.

Please keep Ann, Aaron and Kiefer in your prayers

Mommy panties...

2008-03-04T13:14:00.000-08:00

I have always loved it that Sophie has such a big vocabulary. She started talking pretty early and can say SO much now. When something is funny and she sees us laughing, she'll join in and say "Funny, Mommy! Mommy silly". It is so fun to see her talking more.

However, it also means the start of "embarrassing moments" in public because of things Sophie is saying. For example, the other night, Jeremy, Sophie and I went to Target and were just walking around. We were walking by the bras/underwear and Sophie suddenly yells out "Mommy panties!" Of course she doesn't just do it once, but a few times.

Or how about at the restaurant when I give Sophie a spoon but she doesn't want it. She wants the fork instead. So she starts yelling "Fork fork!" instead. BUT, it doesn't sound like fork (use your imaginations).

I am sure this is only the first of many embarrassing moments.

Good-bye, beloved soo-soo...

2008-02-20T21:55:00.000-08:00

Well, it's another sign that my precious little girl is growing up, and far too quickly for this mom! Sophie's beloved "soo soo" (ie. soother, binky, pacifier, whatever you call it!) is no longer a part of Sophie's life. Now, you have to understand, Sophie has only ever used her soo soo for bed, we've never given it to her any other time. She loves this thing beyond belief. When she sees it she'll clap and shriek and run to get it as quickly as she can. Because of how much she loves it, I was dreading the thought of ever trying to wean her from it.

So last week, one day for her nap, I said to her "No soo-soo, Sophie", and just gave her her blankie and laid her down. Oh, she cried and yelled "Mommy! Soo-soo now!" So I go in and give it to her. (It broke my heart to hear that).

Fast-forward to Saturday. At night time I got out this stuffed bear she loved and she wanted it for bed. I said "Soo-soo or bear". She chose soo-soo and went to bed. I did the same thing on Sunday and she chose bear! I figured she'd be up all night. Nope, slept the whole night. At nap time, I didn't even offer her the soo-soo, just gave her the bear. She asked for it a few times but I rocked her to sleep. Ever since then, she has gone to sleep FINE. She'll ask for it, but I'll just tell her, "You have your baby/bear (whatever she chooses), time for sleep" and she goes right down.

I was expecting a battle. Funny thing is, I am the one having a hard time with it! I think I was more attached to it then Sophie was. I almost want to take her soothers and get them bronzed or something. This is just another indication that Sophie is growing up. It is going by far too quickly!

Mr. Romantic

2008-02-16T21:42:00.000-08:00

I do have to say, I think I must be married to the most romantic guy ever. Now, growing up, all my guy friends were the "macho chauvinist" type of guy, it seemed. You know, the kind where "Me man, you woman". I always was used to be being around guys like that.

Enter Jeremy, my husband. From the very beginning of our dating relationship, he has always been romantic. Whether it's been sending impromptu cards, writing songs for me, decorating my room with flowers, he has always been so thoughtful. And after being together for nearly 8 years, I have to say, that hasn't changed.

For Valentines this year, I received a "Clue" a week before that lead me on a treasure hunt around my house looking for clues to a Valentine surprise. I finally found the "invitation" to a romantic dinner, location held as a surprise, for Feb 15th (I worked on Valentines, and the next day, so thought Friday would be better). Well, as if that wasn't enough, on actual Valentines day, Jeremy cooked me a wonderful dinner, set up a "romantic dinner for 2" in our bonus room (after Sophie was down for the night).

I just have to say, I am so thankful for him. Not that he just does these romantic things, but that he puts so much care and thought into our relationship. I am so blessed!!

It.

2008-02-04T13:25:00.000-08:00

Reposting from Deanna's blog

1. Who was your first prom date? Never had prom in Canada. My high school grad, I went with a bunch of friends, no date.

2. Do you still talk to your first love? Yep...I'm married to him.

3. What was your first alcoholic drink? Alabama slammer, 15 years old

4. What was your first job? babysitting at 12

5. What was your first car? '90 Toyota corolla

6. Who was the first person to text you today? no one...don't have texting

7. Who is the first person you thought of this morning? Jeremy, since I heard his alarm go off super early

8. Who was your first grade teacher? well, I only was in 1st grade for 8 days, but I remember my teacher, Mrs. Shumka

9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane ride? When I was 5 months old, I went on a plane to Hawaii.

10. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with? Ummm...I NEVER snuck out! Seriously.

11. Who was your FIRST best friend and are you still friends with them? Stephanie Epp, my best friend in pre-school. Probably haven't seen her since then!

12. Where was your first sleep over? my cousin Tracy's house, when I was 6

13. Who was the first person you talked to this morning? Jeremy

14. Who's wedding were you in the first time? My cousin Dyane's, when I was 19

15. What was the first thing you did this morning? Got up, read the bible, did pilates

17. First tattoo or piercing? My ears when I was 6

18. Who was your first kiss? Jeremy!!

19. When was your first detention? Hmmm...I don't think I had it actually

20. What was the first state you lived in? Oregon

21. Who was your first true friend? Probably Kelly, my sister

22. Who was the first person to really break your heart? Umm, probably Geoff Prentiss when I was 4

23. Who was your first roommate? my sister for 4 days when I was 5. Then in college, Tomoko

24 Who will be the first to repost this? hmmmm...maybe Katt b/c she is like 1 of the 3 people on here who MAYBE look at my blog? LOL

Been a long time...

2008-02-04T13:13:00.000-08:00

Okay, so thought I'd come on here and update. I haven't written anything in over 2 months!! Yikes. I know probably no one even comes on and reads here anymore since I never post regularly, but on the off chance that someone DOES check here, I want to have something new.

Not much is new...work is kicking my butt lately, or at least the kids are. Is it summer break yet? LOL. I love teaching but it's been probably one of the hardest years professionally for me. I love my staff and school, but sometimes I really wonder how long I can stay there. Maybe time for a change?

Sophie is growing and is so much fun. She is definitely Miss Independent lately, "me do", and "mine" are common phrases around here. But she is still so full of joy and loves to do her cheeseball face to get us laughing. I love it when she prays for our "owies" and shows her babies "love" (after she puts them in time-out). She seriously keeps me on my toes, but it is the most awesome thing ever. I remember how scared I was to become a mom, and those first few months when Sophie was around when I just thought, "I can't do this", but now, being a mom is who I am. I couldn't imagine not being one. I never thought it would bring me so much joy and fulfillment.

Sophie and Santa

2007-11-27T21:26:00.001-08:00

I know I know, it's been awhile again...sigh, maybe someday I"ll be more consistent with this blogging business:) At least once a week or SOMETHING!

Took Sophie to see Santa today...she did fine, meaning, she didn't freak out, but she didn't smile either. She had absolutely no expression on her face. It was really funny when I got home and compared her this years Santa picture with last years, b/c, besides the obvious fact that Sophie is bigger, that is about the only difference. Her expression was exactly the same as last year. Here are last years and this years Santa Pics.

Sleep....I just need sleep...

2007-11-07T20:42:00.001-08:00

Man, I've been through quite the ringer this past week. Since last Wednesday, I have only slept 4 nights....3 nights of massive insomnia where I can't sleep at all. It is so frustrating and is putting me back in that majorly sleep deprived state I lived in for the first few months of Sophie's life.

At around 2am last night, I woke Jeremy up, so frustrated and crying b/c it was the 3rd night in the past 7 that I haven't been able to sleep at all. We talked through a lot about WHAT is making me not sleep...it's not the lack of being tired, trust me, I've been taking dr. prescribed sleeping pills which have done nothing. I know it has to do with anxiety. Probably the major one being work right now, but then all the other little things of life are piled on top of that until I feel like I am losing control.

I wish I could just "let go and let God". I want to SO badly just trust God with everything but it's so hard. I look at all these things around me that are going on, things of which I have no control over, and honestly, it freaks me out.

Sleep, I just need sleep...

It's been awhile...

2007-10-10T20:51:00.000-07:00

It's taken me awhile to write. I have come on many times, but then just sit here with no words coming. I'm finally making myself write something!!

My last post talked about how excited I was for the school year to start...wow, so much has changed in that month. I started off so excited and am now just feeling so discouraged. Feeling like I"m not making a difference and that I spend 100% of my day dealing with outrageous and irritating behavior problems. I just want to teach, but don't really feel like I am able to b/c of the stuff going on. I feel bad for the majority of my class who are such great kids, b/c they are not getting what they need b/c so many others are taking that away from them. I'm just feeling like I need a change...I don't know what that means exactly, but I can't go on feeling like I do about it.

Now for the joy of my life, little Sophie....wow, what can I say about her? She makes me laugh soooooooooooooooooo much. Seriously, she is the "light" at the end of my day. I pick her up from the baby sitters and she comes running up to me saying "Mummy!" She is such a talker. She loves talking about "shoes" and singing "happy to you" (happy birthday to you). She loves to pray and does it all the time:) What a sweetheart. I was always scared to have kids, scared that it would change my life in a way that I didn't want it to...man, how wrong could I have been? Sophie has filled my life with sooooooooooo much joy. Wow.

Jeremy is writing more music, it's so awesome to see him doing that again. There were a few really "dry" years with that but it's amazing to see the songs come out again. He is so gifted in his music.

And me, I am doing well...take away the stresses of the day and I know I am so blessed. I have to keep reminding myself of that sometimes when life seems tough. God doesn't give you more than you can handle, that's my mantra these days!

Mixed Feelings...

2007-08-27T15:46:00.000-07:00

I'm going back to work tomorrow. After a WONDERFUL and restful summer off, getting to spend every day with Sophie, I am feeling a lot of mixed emotions about going back to work. I have loved being here every day with Sophie, not having to worry about "oh no she had a bad night, she's going to be a bear for the baby-sitter", or "we'll be out late tonight, and up so early for when I get her up for work, we maybe shouldn't go out tonight". It has been such a great summer.

On the other hand, after a really rough teaching year last year...I think so many things contributed to that; me teaching in a new grade so new curriculum, doing a job share for the first time, being out on maternity leave for the first month so always feeling a bit like a "sub" after I came back, but ultimately, the kids were just tougher. But my teaching partner and I have talked a lot this summer and we are really excited for this new year approaching. We are trying a bunch of new things, really focusing more on "community building" for the first weeks, and making the classroom feel more "homey", with plants, and lamps around. I feel more confident in the curriculum, and I love working with a teaching partner....

I know I am sooooo blessed to be able to do a job share...so that I can be home with Sophie for 4 or 5 days a week, and yet still get to teach, something that I do love (most days). But I think just the thought that "the summer is over" and having to drop Sophie off at the baby sitters in her jammies at 7am tomorrow is making me a bit teary eyed...

No more car trips for awhile, please

2007-08-20T21:42:00.000-07:00

The title says it all. I got back today from our 4th road trip of the summer....Sophie has done AMAZINGLY well and has turned into quite the good traveler (far cry from the early days when the second she would enter the car, she would scream and scream). But momma's tired of the trips.

A road trip used to mean, "How fast can we make it to our destination?" and sometimes Jeremy and I would drive all the way to Montana only stopping once. We'd each have one bag and a pillow, and that's pretty much it!

This last trip, our trunk contained:
1 small bag for me
Pack and play
Bag of diapers and wipes
Big bag of toys
Cooler for Sophie's food
Bag for Sophie's utensils/cups/bottles
Fan (white noise for Sophie)
Sophie's blankets
Sophie's stroller
Winnie the pooh
Sophie's dolls

Trips do not consist of "how fast can we make it?" anymore, but now the rule is "how long can Sophie last without having to stop to get a diaper changed". After 4 road trips this summer, I'm a bit tired of packing and unpacking the car:):) Kind of petty I know, but I'm ready to be home for awhile now:) (and to add to that....sitting in a car for that long is getting a lot less comfortable for me...must be getting old!)

Since when do I have a shy and quiet child??

2007-08-14T14:50:00.000-07:00

Sophie has always been this little ball of energy. She still is, at home, at least. She yells, sings, runs, talks, laughs ALL day when we are home. It used to be that when we'd go somewhere new, it would take Sophie 10 minutes max to warm up. She usually would just stand there sucking on her finger, until she'd feel comfortable, and then she'd be her pretty normal self.

Well, the last few days I've really been noticing a difference in her personality when we go places. Yesterday at the park, she just stood there for the longest time, not wanting to go anywhere, just taking it all in I guess. Well, she never "totally warmed up" to being there. She'd walk around slowly, not talking at all. We were there for 1 hour and it wasn't until I buckled her into her carseat that she started talking.

Today at the zoo, same thing. We were there for 4.5 hours with some friends. She didn't talk, didn't smile. When she saw the fish (her favorite animal, I'm learning) she pointed and whispered "fishy fishy". When I took her out of her stroller, she clung to me and whined, wanted to go back in. I am so not used to this! I'm used to a carefree girl who will go anywhere, with anyone. I wonder if this is just a stage or what. It's funny when we get together with people and I've told them how boisterous she is, and she sits there starting at them forever, not talking or making any expressions.

But when it's just the 2 of us, oh yah, she's nonstop:)

Meeting face-to-face

2007-08-13T22:24:00.000-07:00

Today I got to meet up with a lady I've come to know these past few years on the message boards I belong to. It's not the first time I've met up with someone who I've met online, but still, always before a meeting, there is a little bit of nervousness...will I feel awkward with this person? You know a lot about them, but meeting face to face is pretty vulnerable. Sometimes I feel I can "hide" behind the computer. But when you actually meet someone "in real life", you are who you are.

It was really cool though, meeting Lisa and little Taryn. There wasn't awkwardness at all! It was like, "hey, I know you already!". I've seen so many pictures of Taryn, and heard about her so it was great to see her in person and see the cute personality. I felt Lisa and I hit it off too, and it was so nice to hang out with someone who has a child the exact same age, and going through the same things I am with Sophie.

This weekend, when I'm up in Canada, I will also be meeting up with 2 other ladies from one of the boards I've belonged to for 2 years. I am so excited:) These people who have been friends to me for awhile, now getting to know another side of them.

Too hot for me

2007-07-29T17:55:00.000-07:00

We are here in Montana right now and I am DYING of heat. It is 104 today and we don't have air conditioning in the place we are staying. Night times have been brutal. Sophie is so restless b/c it is so hot (and she was practically sleeping naked last night), and you just constantly feel sticky. Ick.

And there are TONS of fires around right now so when you go outside even if for a few minutes, you are coughing and your throat is burning because of the smoke. Yuck! Man, Katt, I don't know how Justin does it!!

It was in the 70's when we left home on Wednesday, and I was complaining b/c it was "too cold for the summer". I will gladly take that again!

Insomnia sucks

2007-07-26T15:22:00.001-07:00

I am soooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. I can't function right now. We drove here to Montana yesterday (which can be a whole blog post in itself----having to stop every hour, Sophie pooping constantly (I think she did it so she could get out of her carseat), so after all that, I thought, I am going to sleep so well. Um, nope.

Went to bed at 11:30...(mountain time, 10:30 our time),...I laid there for awhile. At 12:30, I really started getting annoyed. It was hot, I was uncomfortable. Decided to go walk around for awhile. Yawning, so tired, came back. Yah, still not falling asleep. And by now, I am getting so frustrated that it's hard to settle. 2am, I FINALLY take a tylenol PM, not caring that I'll be a zombie in the morning (side note---we are staying with our in-laws). I start to relax, BUT can't fall asleep. I WAS AWAKE ALL NIGHT!!!! Then I actually did doze at around 6am (I know this b/c I had a short dream), but then Sophie woke up (sleeping in the pack and play in the same room as us). She stands up, sees us, starts laughing and saying "hi".

It is now 4:30pm and I feel like I'm in a haze. Not going to bother to take a nap b/c I have issues with napping too...Oh Lord, PLEASE let me sleep tonight (it's going to be 2 tylenol pm's and earplugs!)

Mama Bear

2007-07-19T14:52:00.000-07:00

Okay, my Mama bear instincts kicked in today full swing...oh my gosh, I was a protective mother bear!!

I took Sophie to "Cafe Sip N Play", a really cool place where the kids play and the moms can relax/read/drink coffee/chat. This was the 1st time I've been there that Sophie could actually play in there, and not be stuck in the crawlers area. She was a little tentative just to go off and play, she's a cautious little thing at first, and she was just taking it all in, all the kids, all the noise. Every once in awhile she looked around for me, and when she saw me, a huge smile came across her face and she waved, then went back to "playing."

Well, while we were there, there was this little girl, about 18 months or so (and I know this because I've seen her in the nursery at church before) who would come up to Sophie and push her out of the way. The first time, the little girl was playing at the "train table" and Sophie was standing there watching. I think the girl thought Sophie was going to take her train, so she pushed her a little bit. Sophie got this scared look on her face, but moved away to something else. This little girl kept following Sophie and would give her a shove. Most of the times, Sophie stayed on her feet. At one point (as I was on my way to go get my Sophie, fuming) this little girl shoved her down in this play area, and stood over her. I just heard a little whimper and saw Sophie's lower lip quivering and little tears coming out. Oh, I picked her up and she just held onto me so tight.

I guess I have never experienced these "mama bear" feelings to this extent. I wanted to march right up to that little girl and give her a good "talking to" (or at least to her mom, who was sitting chatting with a friend, not watching her daughter). This is the first time...I can't imagine how I"ll be when Sophie comes home from school with hurt feelings, or if a pet dies, or something else that causes Sophie to be sad or scared. Man, I don't know if I can handle this!:)

Just one of those days

2007-07-19T11:11:00.000-07:00

Ever have one of those days?? I'm not PMSing, but as sure as anything, Sophie is! (I have a new theory that baby girls PMS since they are out of the womb). Sophie is such a happy little thing usually, bubbly, smiley, singing, talking---she really has turned into an "easy" toddler (compared to these first few months)...so fast forward until this morning.

I hear Sophie waking up at 7...which is pretty good for her, but lately she's been sleeping in until 7:30 or 8...and she also went to bed a bit later last night too, so I was hoping for a7:30 or 8 wake up. Well, I went in there to give her a sippy cup of milk (I've been doing a sippy cup of milk in the morning for the past few days...she drinks milk from her sippy during the day, but has a bottle still at night). Usually she just drinks happily. This morning, she started swatting at the sippy and getting all bad. So I yell to Jeremy to get me a bottle and I try to give it to her in that, and she's just mad as anything now and arching...she eventually takes some. So then I try to cuddle with her (what we do EVERY morning) and she starts batting at my face. I take her hands, look in her eyes and say "no, Sophie, be gentle" and that turns into meltdown #2. I give her to Jeremy for awhile, and the next thing I hear is her crying AGAIN b/c he took away my cell phone from her (she has been calling 411 lately and racking up our phone bill).

She was pretty good for awhile this morning, but then started losing it again. She'd flop on the floor, bang her head on the floor once, but a bit too hard, and of course it would hurt and she would be having another tantrum. She'd turn to me and say "up up" with her hands raised up. I'd pick her up and within 2 seconds she's getting antsy so I put her down and then she gets mad.

Yii yii yii....I finally just put her down for a nap...we are back to 2 naps today, b/c there was no way I wanted to deal with Cranky Sophie for another 2 hours!! Hope she wakes up a little happier!

Bye bum!

2007-07-15T20:56:00.000-07:00

Saying goodbye:

Sophie has gone through quite the progression for saying good bye. It started with a wave, than progressed to "buh" and a wave. Next, it was "bye", I was proud of that. Then she started saying "bye dye" and waving. We all laughed, thought it was hilarious. Well, yesterday, when everyone was leaving from the bbq we had, Sophie started waving at everyone saying "bye bum, bye bum"...oh my gosh, we were dying. I have NO idea why it progressed to that. Today at church when we were leaving, "bye bum" was yelled at the top of Sophie's little lungs...yikes, got to work on that one:)

Disregard the last blog about babies:)

2007-07-14T09:32:00.000-07:00

Okay, so after my last blog yesterday in which I mentioned that I was starting to think about babies again...yah, disregard it please:)

Last night I went to a baby shower for a friend. There was another girl there who had a 6 week old baby. Let's just say, that was way more reality for me than seeing the cutesy newborns. This baby cried the whole time and reminded me very clearly of those colicky days with Sophie:)

So, don't think I'm ready for another one. That was my reality check!!

Babies, babies, and more babies!

2007-07-13T16:56:00.000-07:00

In the past 2 weeks, it seems like some of the people that I am closest to have had babies! It is bringing me back to Sophie's "beginning" days...the awe and the wonder of this new person you brought into the world. I have loved holding these tiny little ones, or seeing their pictures if they are far away (Roxy), but it is the craziest thing, b/c I"m so nervous to hold them! I forget Sophie ever being that age and I forget how to "handle" them:)

I have been soooo set on "no more kids for awhile"...I've always said at least 3 years in between. I think that stemmed from the early colicky days with Sophie and how TOUGH those days (and months) were. I had friends who had easy easy babies around when I had Sophie, and they are already pregnant again or have had their 2nd since then. I think having a harder or more demanding baby has made me want to wait a bit longer to have another one b/c I don't know if I'm mentally ready to go through that again (if it's to be like that the 2nd time around).

HOWEVER, seeing these babies, talking to my friends about their first few days and moments with their little ones, is stirring something in me. I am SOOOO not ready for a 2nd one (and Jeremy would kill me if I told him I wanted another one now) but it does do something to you to see one so little. But then I have to think of all the logistics of life. There would be no way that I could stay home at this point from work. Financially, we are not there right now. I really really want to be able to stay at home full time when we have more than 1, so that is making me hold off for now.

But seriously, I'm thinking that might be one of the only things...well, besides the fact that I just adore Sophie and don't want to share my time with her yet. Kind of crazy that I"m actually letting my mind go there again!